Musings: What "matters".

[Resolve]

The house is quiet as MrR has gone  out for a walk.  I should do that too but I'm just enjoying having a few moments of solitude over coffee right now. 

Sometimes I wonder if having time to "think" is such a good thing. When I'm busy every second, I just "do". Then suddenly the plane in which I've been flying has a chance to land and I have a chance to take my pulse.

Maybe it's the advent of spring. Maybe it was turning another page in the birthday book. Maybe it's just all stuff that's been "brewing" over the past months...but today I have this very edgy feeling...like I need to make some changes because life suddenly feels like it's flying by. I am keenly aware that whatever is the stuff of "today" will never come again.

I think it's very easy to get caught up in the pattern of surviving the busy days with a thought/plan to catch up on things on days when life slows down. That seems to be a very fragmented way to approach life...and yet that is exactly the pattern into which I've slowly fallen.

Part of my problem is there is much that "matters" to me. I want to do it all...but time and energy is finite so that's just unrealistic. But what does one "give up" when so much matters? What is the filter one uses in order to "choose"? I will admit I have a VERY hard time turning away from another's "need" if I can be the one to do something about it especially when it comes to family. There is joy in relieving another's burden. Yet I am no Mother Teresa...I have my own needs/desires too and I'm not so happy if I always put my desires at low priority....but it feels very selfish to put "me first". Of course the answer is "balance" but Lord knows I sure can't find it. All I know is that I've gotten myself fairly bailed up and am not sure how to untangle.

For one thing I guess I need to be a better time manager and figure out where the wasted minutes are in my day. MrR and I were going to go out today and get me a "smart phone" that I thought I wanted for my birthday gift. (we just have those phones that do nothing but send and receive messages...imagine! LOL) But now I'm rethinking that. I don't see how that will improve the quality of my life.

Does any of this resonate with any of you? If so, I would love to hear how you've navigated the waters. Wayne Dyer said at one point he closed the door on his office, gave his keys to the secretary and literally walked away from his life to start fresh. That seems pretty extreme (but there are moments I so "get" that!!)

[xyrn]

I get some of that.
Sometimes, especially in times of stress, I just throw myself into work and stay busy "doing" so I don't have time for "thinking".

I also think it's interesting that you posted about Wayne Dyer.
Just ten months ago I put this up on my Facebook:

[billhammond]

If he wants to be better at English, he should stop capitalizing "Be" for no reason.

[xyrn]

Maybe he was recovering from royalty...

[Deleted]

I think step one is coming to the realization that "wasted minutes" are OK. You need some time and space in every day where you get nothing you deem productive done. The mind and body need reset time.

We are nothing if not an over-scheduled society. There is an expression I use around out house. "Don't stand out in the rain and then complain about getting wet." I understand your desire to help folks, but the best help we can give some folks is the realization that they've bitten off too much to chew.

[HarmonEyes]

Learning to say no more often is incredibly difficult, I know. Especially when it comes to family and you're able to help.

There are times though, when saying no is the best thing you can do for someone else. Of course I'm saying this not knowing what your family situation is like but I do believe that when someone says no then the other person has a better chance of learning how to figure it out for themselves.

Taking care of ourselves is hard--especially when there's so much you want to do. Saying no can sound like you're being selfish and not very helpful. But when you take care of yourself you're also helping yourself and that's just as important.

Regarding the smart phone? I'm of two minds on this. Yes, smart phones are great for keep track of everything that needs doing, etc. But they're also addictive in that you will now have up-to-the-minute updates on any goings on that are happening. I know so many people who are constantly checking their phones for the latest update on this, that, or the other thing. They're not present for what is currently going on as their eyes are glued to their phones. My husband and I both have android phones which we very deliberately have decided not to have connected to the net--it's just too tempting. And we keep our phones off most of the time, much to the bewilderment of most of our friends .

[Doug]

Go camping somewhere that you can't hear a car, or even see a plane passing over head.  Leave all electronics home.  

[PaulKay]

I'm still a year away from closing my office door and giving the secretary the keys. And it is certainly not on a whim, but methodically planned out. And still, I'm not entirely sure what all I'll do once I don't have a job to go to anymore. Much time over the first year will be spent on moving, but after that and we're settled again, then what. So even with all the planning, it is still not entirely determined. But even with those unknowns, there is no turning back on the plan unless something significant changes the calculus. I just trust I'll figure it out as it comes.

[Resolve]

Apr 21, 2014 11:30:25 GMT -5 Doug said:

Go camping somewhere that you can't hear a car, or even see a plane passing over head.  Leave all electronics home.  

While that is good advice for a respite...I'm striving for a better "every day". I have believed for a long time that carving out a life of peace and balance is no "accident"...it takes a thoughtful approach to one's existence. I've lost sight of that and I'm really trying to be more proactive to regain my equilibrium.

Some small steps today...

MrR and I had a chat with Verizon. We ended up with a plan that better suits how we use our phones and were able to get more minutes for the same payment as we've had. We'll be ordering new versions of the same plain old phones we've been using instead of getting smart phones. I feel good about that decision.

Getting some decent exercise is another arena in which I've been struggling. Today I decided to ease back into running. The warm weather of these past few days beckons me outdoors. A decent walk takes more miles/time than I have so I often end up not getting in the time....so today I decided to set aside 30 minutes and use a program called "Couch to 5K", which is a 9 week program of walk/run intervals that build up to a 30 minute/3 mile run. Time to unbox the never-used Ipod to download the program with a thought to begin tomorrow morning. I could use some new running shoes so I may treat myself to those.

I'm sending off an email to neighbors to see if I can get a good recommendation for a cleaning service.

[david]

Despite my atheist tendencies, I think the Bible gets this right:

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Knowing which time is the right time for which activity is certainly a lifetime full of learning.

[RickW]

Cyndy, I thought you had worked all that out, and were happy with just doing what landed on the day, especially with the grand kids. Retirement came to you in fits and starts, retiring, trying another job, retiring. Getting too caught up in stuff again?

I'm busy with work, guitar, and family. I have lived much of my married life in mild stress and panic, trying to make sure I kept employed, kept the family going, tried to keep things for myself going. I look forward to the day when I get to drop out of work and spend time on just me. And I hope when that comes, I won't be finding too many things to worry about having to get done, or wanting to get done. But that may be a faint hope, as I know my personality. I think the truth is, time will always feel like it's flying by too quickly, and that there is much left undone. I always loved the cartoon of the old guy in the rocking chair, on his porch, saying, "some times I sets and thinks, and sometimes I just sets."

Maybe it takes years to unwind completely, and when new things that require time and energy come along, it rekindles the old sense of distress.

Time to take inventory of what you think is left undone, and make a plan. Or realize that it's nothing concrete, and you're just torturing yourself.

[theevan]

Apr 21, 2014 14:01:09 GMT -5 david said:

Despite my atheist tendencies, I think the Bible gets this right:

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Knowing which time is the right time for which activity is certainly a lifetime full of learning.

The bible? Huh, we all know that's the Byrds

[david]

Evan, I admit that the Byrds is where I had heard it. But in the 8th grade my classmate told me that it was from the Bible - his parents made him read that passage, especially the "a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing" after he had been caught in the junior high school band room making out with his girlfriend during lunch break.

[Dub]

Apr 21, 2014 9:42:15 GMT -5 Resolve said:

For one thing I guess I need to be a better time manager and figure out where the wasted minutes are in my day. MrR and I were going to go out today and get me a "smart phone" that I thought I wanted for my birthday gift. (we just have those phones that do nothing but send and receive messages...imagine! LOL) But now I'm rethinking that. I don't see how that will improve the quality of my life.

My advice… forget time management, it's mostly bullshit anyway. All those people writing books and giving lectures are paid huge sums by large corporations to make more money for THEM, not to provide employees with a better quality of life.

I'm no technophobe but skipping the smart phone is good. While you're at it, drop your cable TV service. Keep the Internet but drop all the TV, even the most basic package. Stop listening to or watching news programming. You can't do anything about it anyway and it only upsets you. Use your computer, iPad, iPod, or e-reader to scan the headlines every couple of days. You don't have to be uninformed but you don't need every detail and you certainly don't need the opinions.

Set your clock radio to a classical music station, not NPR. You'll be a lot happier and calmer. I learned this first hand a long time ago.

Who are your biggest heroes? Spend time reading about them. What made them tick? What were their flaws? If your heroes are business thinkers, find a good shrink.

Talk to your doctor. S/he will give you a referral. Hell, if you can talk with us you can talk with anyone.

We humans are constantly (re)inventing ourselves. Who are you, really? Who would you like to be? We can't be all things to all people so first you have to find AND BE you. Without that, the rest is just noise. The people who love and care about you will help you on your journey. The rest? Well, f*** 'em if they can't take a joke.

[Dub]

Advice from John Prine.

Spanish Pipedream (AKA Blow Up Your TV)
© John Prine

She was a level-headed dancer on the road to alcohol
And I was just a soldier on my way to Montreal
Well she pressed her chest against me
About the time the juke box broke
Yeah, she gave me a peck on the back of the neck
And these are the words she spoke

Chorus:
Blow up your TV throw away your paper
Go to the country, build you a home
Plant a little garden, eat a lot of peaches
Try an find Jesus on your own

Well, I sat there at the table and I acted real naive
For I knew that topless lady had something up her sleeve
Well, she danced around the bar room and she did the hoochy-coo
Yeah she sang her song all night long, tellin' me what to do

Repeat chorus:

Well, I was young and hungry and about to leave that place
When just as I was leavin', well she looked me in the face
I said "You must know the answer."
"She said, "No but I'll give it a try."
And to this very day we've been livin' our way
And here is the reason why

We blew up our TV threw away our paper
Went to the country, built us a home
Had a lot of children, fed 'em on peaches
They all found Jesus on their own

[Russell Letson]

I confess puzzlement at the hostility aimed at the telly and/or cable. I think I qualify as a pointy-headed intellectual, but I really enjoy some of what comes over the cable. (I even enjoy current events and political-opinion stuff in moderation and with the full awareness that it's mostly other people's misery.) I know, I know: Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, whatever. We have a sizable library of classic drama and such (including all of Shakespeare in multiple productions), but we still enjoy following, say, Justified or Veep or Ripper Street as the episodes are released. And Jon Stewart is C's favorite pundit. (I remind everyone that she's the family conservative--of course, that a relative term.)

I don't have any particular wisdom about how to rearrange a life when its circumstances--Frost's inner and outer weather--have changed. For me, it's like choosing a pair of shoes: I try 'em on until they feel comfortable. I do recall that what my mother used to call "the blahs" generally pass, independent of whatever I do to hurry the process.

[Dub]

Apr 21, 2014 15:58:39 GMT -5 Russell Letson said:

I confess puzzlement at the hostility aimed at the telly and/or cable. I think I qualify as a pointy-headed intellectual, but I really enjoy some of what comes over the cable. (I even enjoy current events and political-opinion stuff in moderation and with the full awareness that it's mostly other people's misery.) I know, I know: Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, whatever. We have a sizable library of classic drama and such (including all of Shakespeare in multiple productions), but we still enjoy following, say, Justified or Veep or Ripper Street as the episodes are released. And Jon Stewart is C's favorite pundit. (I remind everyone that she's the family conservative--of course, that a relative term.)

Of course cable TV delivered a lot that is both entertaining and worthwhile. Itss just that our lives can easily be filled to overflowing with quality input even after you filter out all the junk. But if we try to absorb even a small portion of the quality stuff we take all our time.

[Resolve]

Dub, I think what I've "forgotten" is that point about not being "all things to all people".

Being a reflective person I think I understand myself fairly well so I had to smile at your suggestion that I seek "a referral". I know I am happiest when I feel like my life is in balance and right now there is too much teeter in the totter. I am the only one who can do something about thatbut want to do so with care. There are times that I think of as "pivot points" in life that require some thoughtful decision-making and maybe the courage for some trial and error.

I agree that a long life obligates us to make changes from time to time...some are big changes....some are small...is that inventing or reinventing oneself or is it just continued "growth" toward a state of greater wisdom and inner peace? Hmmmm...I don't know. As for managing time...I do think that is something one can assess and change if need be.

As I reached this particular pivot point with which I am currently grappling it occurred to me that others in my demographic (including this company of esteemed "thinkers" of the SH) who might have also done some thinking along the same lines and wondered it if would make for some good discussion/conversation.

[Fingerplucked]

Oh man, you should have gotten the smart phone.

I thought I was about the last one on Earth to get a smartphone, and I thought my reluctance to jump on the bandwagon was smart.  But I was wrong on both counts.

Since getting a smartphone I have become more productive and have more free time to spend as I wish.  It has improved my marriage, whitened my teeth, and tripled my income.  My hair started turning from gray back to brown, and I no longer need to wear a hat since all my missing hair has since been found. I have lost 27 pounds of fat and gained 32 pounds of muscle. I can now run faster than I used to cycle and cycle faster than I used to drive. I am four inches taller and my penis is three inches longer.

If Verizon will still let you exchange that phone and you know how to deal with a longer penis, I'd suggest trading your new phone in on a smartphone.

[Deleted]

Sharon and I have actually had an enjoyable time winnowing our stuff down for our move. Sold the house, have buyers for all the furniture and one last yard sale should take care of everything. We're sticking some stuff in a 5x5 storage locker and then what little is left will go with us to Kuwait. (I still have two guitars to farm out to someone, though.)

The process of getting rid of all this stuff has made us both realize it ate up a lot of our time to acquire, use once or twice and then find some place to stick it in the basement. De-cluttering has been nice.

But then last week I learned that my brother, who lives in Texas, has been diagnosed with something called papillary non-clear cell renal carcinoma, which apparently is just as wicked as it sounds. My nephew says it went undiscovered for quite awhile and the prognosis is not encouraging. It has made me realize that stuff is even less important. Anything that takes away from friends and family had better be worth it.