Post by t-bob on Nov 29, 2006 9:56:18 GMT -5
36 RULES FOR BANDS
1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word
"recoupable" in the
dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for.
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any
more "important".
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass
players, it's time to
break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like
you're unfamiliar
with their music ("Oh, does Rage against the Machine
also do rap-rock
with political lyrics?")
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just
amplified small talk.
Don't do it.
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only
on the Austin
Music Network.< BR>
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have
inked the best
contract ever. Mention artistic freedom" and "a
guaranteed 3 record
deal".
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst
contract ever and
you asked to be let go.
13. Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to
perform one of
them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If
you do you're
already a loser.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock
opera", "white
rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can
wear gloves, but not
both.
19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we
will: its rock 'n'
roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to
your shows.
20. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't
pay.
21. No one cares that you have a web site.
22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to
your feet.
23. Don't hire a publicist.
24. Playing in Portsmouth and Nashua doesn't mean
you're on tour.
25. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs.
In fact, don't join
a cover band.
26. Although they come in different styles and
colors, electric
guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing
them between
songs?
27. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought
up. That's what
girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
28. If you use a smoke machine, your music stinks.
29. We can tell the difference between a
professionally produced album
cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for
Christmas.
30. Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can
so many 16 year
olds play them?
31. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it.
You may never know
where or when it will turn up.
32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
35. Rock oxymorons: "major label interest", "demo
deal"," blues
genius", "$500 guarantee", and
"Fastball's second hit".
36. 3 things that are never coming back: a) gongs,
headbands, and c)
playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.
1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word
"recoupable" in the
dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for.
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any
more "important".
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass
players, it's time to
break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like
you're unfamiliar
with their music ("Oh, does Rage against the Machine
also do rap-rock
with political lyrics?")
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just
amplified small talk.
Don't do it.
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only
on the Austin
Music Network.< BR>
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have
inked the best
contract ever. Mention artistic freedom" and "a
guaranteed 3 record
deal".
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst
contract ever and
you asked to be let go.
13. Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to
perform one of
them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If
you do you're
already a loser.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock
opera", "white
rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can
wear gloves, but not
both.
19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we
will: its rock 'n'
roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to
your shows.
20. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't
pay.
21. No one cares that you have a web site.
22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to
your feet.
23. Don't hire a publicist.
24. Playing in Portsmouth and Nashua doesn't mean
you're on tour.
25. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs.
In fact, don't join
a cover band.
26. Although they come in different styles and
colors, electric
guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing
them between
songs?
27. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought
up. That's what
girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
28. If you use a smoke machine, your music stinks.
29. We can tell the difference between a
professionally produced album
cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for
Christmas.
30. Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can
so many 16 year
olds play them?
31. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it.
You may never know
where or when it will turn up.
32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
35. Rock oxymorons: "major label interest", "demo
deal"," blues
genius", "$500 guarantee", and
"Fastball's second hit".
36. 3 things that are never coming back: a) gongs,
headbands, and c)
playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.
