Post by drlj on Oct 14, 2011 14:51:01 GMT -5
Holy Crap, guys. I am in a heap of trouble and this is your chance to help dig me out! I got an email from Special Agent John Edward today telling me that the FBI and Homeland Security want to arrest me and put me in jail for money laundering. The closest I ever came to money laundering was that time my wallet went through the wash and since it was empty even that did not count as actual money laundering. It was more like Driver's License washing.
I do not want to go to jail! As Millring has told me many times in the past, I am too pretty to go to jail!
Here is a part of the letter that has me so upset.
I AM SPECIAL AGENT JOHN EDWARD FROM THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (FBI) INTELLIGENCE UNIT, WE HAVE JUST INTERCEPTED AND IMPOUNDED TWO CONSIGNMENT BOXES AT JFK AIRPORT IN NEW YORK, AND WE ARE ON THE VERGE OF MOVING IT TO OUR BUREAU HEAD QUARTERS.
FURTHERMORE, WE HAVE SCANNED THE SAID BOXES, AND FOUND IT TO CONTAIN LARGE SUM OF MONEY AND ALSO BACKUP DOCUMENT WHICH BEARS YOUR NAME AS THE RECEIVER OF THE MONEY CONTAINED IN THE BOXES, INVESTIGATIONS CARRIED OUT ON THE DIPLOMAT WHICH ACCOMPANIED THE BOXES INTO THE UNITED STATES HAS IT THAT HE WAS TO DELIVER THIS FUNDS TO YOUR RESIDENCE AS PAYMENT WHICH WAS DUE TO YOU FROM FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA THROUGH SECURITY COMPANY IN UNITED KINGDOM.
MEANWHILE, WE CROSS-CHECKED ALL LEGAL DOCUMENTS IN THE BOXES, AND WE ARE ABOUT TO RELEASE THE CONSIGNMENT TO THE DIPLOMAT WHEN WE FOUND OUT THAT THE BOXES ARE LACKING ONE VERY IMPORTANT DOCUMENT WHICH AS A RESULT, THE BOXES HAS BEEN CONFISCATED.
ACCORDING TO SECTION 229 SUBSECTION 31 OF THE 2005 AMENDED CONSTITUTION IN TAX PAYMENT, YOUR CONSIGNMENT LACKS PROOF OF OWNERSHIP CERTIFICATE FROM THE JOINT TEAM OF THE IRS AND HOMELAND SECURITY, AND THEREFORE, YOU MUST CONTACT US FOR DIRECTION ON HOW TO PROCURE THIS CERTIFICATE SO THAT YOU CAN BE RELIEVED OF THE CHARGES OF EVADING TAX WHICH IS A PUNISHABLE OFFENSE UNDER SECTION 12 SUBSECTION 441 OF TAXATION LAW ON TAX EVASION. YOU ARE REQUIRED TO CONTACT THIS BUREAU WITHIN 72HOURS, OR YOU WILL BE PROSECUTED IN THE COURT OF LAW FOR MONEY LAUNDERING.
Now I am not sure how a scan could show my name on a document, but with those spy planes that can tell whether you are eating your vegetables or not flying around, anything is possible.
This is where you come in. If each of you would just send me a check for, say, $250 or so, I could pay the taxes, get my two big boxes of money and pay you all back with .00565% interest. $250 is less than Millring spends on dental floss a month! It is less than Howard Lee spends on mustache wax and less than Bill Hammond spends on just about anything.
Won't you all join the "Money to Keep LJ's Ass out of Jail" fund and help me out? Think of how good you would feel about this bailout no matter how you felt about the ones Bush and Obama pulled off!
LJ
PS, I said "check" to make a point but I prefer cash. Harder to trace, you know.
I do not want to go to jail! As Millring has told me many times in the past, I am too pretty to go to jail!
Here is a part of the letter that has me so upset.
I AM SPECIAL AGENT JOHN EDWARD FROM THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (FBI) INTELLIGENCE UNIT, WE HAVE JUST INTERCEPTED AND IMPOUNDED TWO CONSIGNMENT BOXES AT JFK AIRPORT IN NEW YORK, AND WE ARE ON THE VERGE OF MOVING IT TO OUR BUREAU HEAD QUARTERS.
FURTHERMORE, WE HAVE SCANNED THE SAID BOXES, AND FOUND IT TO CONTAIN LARGE SUM OF MONEY AND ALSO BACKUP DOCUMENT WHICH BEARS YOUR NAME AS THE RECEIVER OF THE MONEY CONTAINED IN THE BOXES, INVESTIGATIONS CARRIED OUT ON THE DIPLOMAT WHICH ACCOMPANIED THE BOXES INTO THE UNITED STATES HAS IT THAT HE WAS TO DELIVER THIS FUNDS TO YOUR RESIDENCE AS PAYMENT WHICH WAS DUE TO YOU FROM FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA THROUGH SECURITY COMPANY IN UNITED KINGDOM.
MEANWHILE, WE CROSS-CHECKED ALL LEGAL DOCUMENTS IN THE BOXES, AND WE ARE ABOUT TO RELEASE THE CONSIGNMENT TO THE DIPLOMAT WHEN WE FOUND OUT THAT THE BOXES ARE LACKING ONE VERY IMPORTANT DOCUMENT WHICH AS A RESULT, THE BOXES HAS BEEN CONFISCATED.
ACCORDING TO SECTION 229 SUBSECTION 31 OF THE 2005 AMENDED CONSTITUTION IN TAX PAYMENT, YOUR CONSIGNMENT LACKS PROOF OF OWNERSHIP CERTIFICATE FROM THE JOINT TEAM OF THE IRS AND HOMELAND SECURITY, AND THEREFORE, YOU MUST CONTACT US FOR DIRECTION ON HOW TO PROCURE THIS CERTIFICATE SO THAT YOU CAN BE RELIEVED OF THE CHARGES OF EVADING TAX WHICH IS A PUNISHABLE OFFENSE UNDER SECTION 12 SUBSECTION 441 OF TAXATION LAW ON TAX EVASION. YOU ARE REQUIRED TO CONTACT THIS BUREAU WITHIN 72HOURS, OR YOU WILL BE PROSECUTED IN THE COURT OF LAW FOR MONEY LAUNDERING.
Now I am not sure how a scan could show my name on a document, but with those spy planes that can tell whether you are eating your vegetables or not flying around, anything is possible.
This is where you come in. If each of you would just send me a check for, say, $250 or so, I could pay the taxes, get my two big boxes of money and pay you all back with .00565% interest. $250 is less than Millring spends on dental floss a month! It is less than Howard Lee spends on mustache wax and less than Bill Hammond spends on just about anything.
Won't you all join the "Money to Keep LJ's Ass out of Jail" fund and help me out? Think of how good you would feel about this bailout no matter how you felt about the ones Bush and Obama pulled off!
LJ
PS, I said "check" to make a point but I prefer cash. Harder to trace, you know.
