|
|
Post by Marshall on Jul 5, 2012 6:13:41 GMT -5
Raised 2 daughters. I was perpetually worried. But in the end I have to admit I felt more sorry for the boys who were laid to waste in their trek to womanhood.
|
|
|
|
Post by theevan on Jul 5, 2012 7:25:50 GMT -5
Isn't thirteen a little young to be going on a date? How old fashioned am I? Group get togethers are safer. Thirteen and fourteen year olds are BABIES. Yep. |
|
|
|
Post by Shannon on Jul 5, 2012 10:46:08 GMT -5
I have hesitated to respond, as I'm sure some of my advice will be interpreted as old-fashioned at best, most likely labeled as unrealistic, and perhaps characterized as repressive, but here goes...
In raising my daughter, we taught her from early on that sex was meant to be reserved for people who are married (to each other). We told her that her mother and I had been taught that standard and had held to it while we were dating, and we prepared her that such a standard would put her in a distinct minority. She grew up internalizing that value. Does that mean she won't deviate from it? No, but it does mean she will wrestle with the decision should she decide to consider sex before marriage.
In addition, we told her that neither she nor her brothers to follow would be allowed to date one-on-one prior to the age of 16. Group outings would be allowed under the proper circumstances, and a "special friend" might be permissible, but there would be no one-on-one dating until they turned 16.
Finally, I was in the habit of taking Rachel out to movies or dinner periodically, just the two of us. I treated her with respect and deference. As she approached her teenage years I taught her that the way I treated her was the standard for how she deserved to be treated by men. I also taught her that she was likely to be treated only as well as she demanded to be treated, and that her expectations would be communicated by her words, her actions, and her attire.
In the end, you finally have to trust them and let go. That is true. However, there is a lot of preparation and training that can, and should, be done before-hand to maximize the chances of successfully and safely navigating the beginnings of dating.
I wish you and your daughter the best!
|
|
|
|
Post by Ann T on Jul 5, 2012 12:13:02 GMT -5
I have hesitated to respond, as I'm sure some of my advice will be interpreted as old-fashioned at best, most likely labeled as unrealistic, and perhaps characterized as repressive, but here goes... In raising my daughter, we taught her from early on that sex was meant to be reserved for people who are married (to each other). We told her that her mother and I had been taught that standard and had held to it while we were dating, and we prepared her that such a standard would put her in a distinct minority. She grew up internalizing that value. Does that mean she won't deviate from it? No, but it does mean she will wrestle with the decision should she decide to consider sex before marriage. In addition, we told her that neither she nor her brothers to follow would be allowed to date one-on-one prior to the age of 16. Group outings would be allowed under the proper circumstances, and a "special friend" might be permissible, but there would be no one-on-one dating until they turned 16. Finally, I was in the habit of taking Rachel out to movies or dinner periodically, just the two of us. I treated her with respect and deference. As she approached her teenage years I taught her that the way I treated her was the standard for how she deserved to be treated by men. I also taught her that she was likely to be treated only as well as she demanded to be treated, and that her expectations would be communicated by her words, her actions, and her attire. In the end, you finally have to trust them and let go. That is true. However, there is a lot of preparation and training that can, and should, be done before-hand to maximize the chances of successfully and safely navigating the beginnings of dating. I wish you and your daughter the best! This sounds familiar; I think my parents did the same. Excellent strategy. |
|
|
|
Post by sekhmet on Jul 5, 2012 12:18:32 GMT -5
Shannon, that sounds like a perfect way to handle the raising of daughters. Keep their standards high, no dating until 16, strict curfews even at that time.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2012 12:29:13 GMT -5
Presumably the school covers sexual health and contraception matters. It can't hurt for those bases to be covered too.
|
|
|
|
Post by Shannon on Jul 5, 2012 12:53:37 GMT -5
Presumably the school covers sexual health and contraception matters. It can't hurt for those bases to be covered too. We never rely on the schools to educate our kids on such matters, although we appreciate what efforts they are able to make. We ourselves take on the responsibility to be sure our kids know such things. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2012 13:15:27 GMT -5
Sex ed in the UK was early and detailed. I had no choice but to affirm what Claire brought home in her noggin. Matter of fact, one of my concerns when we returned to the US was that Claire would become the go-to myth buster for kids who hadn't gotten the straight scope from Mom and Dad. No mysteries here. (We won't even let the kids pierce their ears pierced until 15. Claire couldn't and Robby at 9 is already angling to get hers done. My reply is, "aw they make cool magnetic posts that look JUST like a piercing.)  |
|
|
|
Post by epaul on Jul 5, 2012 13:16:57 GMT -5
Did the same with Anna. No one on one alone boy dates until she was sixteen. And it was never an issue. We've made it to seventeen. Group outings. A boyfriend here or there allowed over the house to watch movies and play games in the family room. And the deal so far is good on all ends. (though Gus doesn't know why he has to be in there with them)
We started the talks with Anna (and Gus) about life and things that go into a good, happy, healthy life early. As soon as Anna could talk, we talked. Didn't have to worry about how to initiate "The Talk" because in the course of life-long talking, everything got covered in the normal course of just talking.
Anna understands that she needs the time to grow and settle into herself and her life before she can be ready to share that life with someone.
I am grateful that both of my kids are sensible, happy, kids that, so far, haven't caused me to miss a second of sleep or dread a single parent/teachers conference. The opposite. I sleep like a fat, happy baby and I can't wait to go to school conferences.
.
|
|
|
|
Post by patrick on Jul 5, 2012 13:17:50 GMT -5
My reply is, "aw they make cool magnetic posts that look JUST like a piercing.) What you could do to reinforce the "coolness" factor is buy one and wear it in your nose. That will impress them. ;D |
|
|
|
Post by ducktrapper on Jul 5, 2012 13:45:43 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by Doug on Jul 5, 2012 13:50:22 GMT -5
My reply is, "aw they make cool magnetic posts that look JUST like a piercing.) What you could do to reinforce the "coolness" factor is buy one and wear it in your nose. That will impress them. ;D I don't think the army will let a Col wear nose jewelery. Paul here has the best system. Keep her on base so the only people she meets are in the army and be a Col. |
|
|
|
Post by dradtke on Jul 5, 2012 14:53:53 GMT -5
And don't say anything bad about the guy if he's a jerk. If you run him down, she'll defend him, and stay with him. If he's really a jerk, she'll figure it out pretty quick on her own. And her friends will tell her. And then she'll dump him.
|
|
|
|
Post by Cornflake on Jul 5, 2012 15:08:51 GMT -5
As soon as we thought it might be an issue, my wife would talk to the daughters about getting birth control. I don't think that encouraged promiscuity. It eliminated one of the biggest life-derailing possibilities. Beyond that, I think you have to hope you raised them right and that they have good judgment.
I tried to be nice to the guys who came calling. My daughters tell me, though, that the guys found me very intimidating.
|
|
|
|
Post by Supertramp78 on Jul 5, 2012 15:17:01 GMT -5
"we prepared her that such a standard would put her in a distinct minority" Possibly. Probably. Speaking for myself I can say it isn't as rare as you might think. I like the 16 year old limit. Of course I think I didn't go on my first date until I was 17 or something. My goal when dating Kelly was to never give her a reason to lose her respect for me and the best way to do that was to never treat her with anything but respect. I think it worked so far. |
|
|
|
Post by sekhmet on Jul 5, 2012 15:39:13 GMT -5
Tramp, you're a father's dream.
|
|
|
|
Post by aquaduct on Jul 5, 2012 16:00:58 GMT -5
13's a tough age. If my math is right, that's when they hit middle school. The sweet little tykes that you knew in elementary school that you swore were completely innocent and didn't know all those curse words now become fluent, able to go blue with the best sailors. I got to teach in the middle school when my daughter was there. It's an eye opener.
That said, I agree with the various rules and disciplines but they will tend to fall short because they are out in the real world regardless.
The best core of all the advice here is teach your daughters to be strong and respect themselves. Hammer that home and always strive to keep comfortable lines of communication open (yes, there's a lot there that you won't want to know. Thank God my wife did such a great job with my girl.)
That's it. Dating rules are good but make sure they've got the stuff to survive the rest of it.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2012 18:00:22 GMT -5
My goal when dating Kelly Kathy was to never give her a reason to lose her respect for me kick my ass and the best way to do that was to never treat her with anything but respect say, "Yes, Dear" a lot. I think it worked so far.
|
|
|
|
Post by millring on Jul 5, 2012 18:33:38 GMT -5
Paul, you're a father's realist's dream.
|
|
|
|
Post by Ann T on Jul 5, 2012 20:20:09 GMT -5
Our sex ed was enhanced by having a mama cat who regularly produced kittens. Her last litter was born just before we moved East, when I was in the 8th grade, and we got stuck with her two girl kittens, who each produced a litter at about 8 months of age. There was much discussion about teenage mother cats. The mama cat stepped up to the role of Grandma cat and taught her daughters how to raise their kittens, even to the point of helping the dumber of the two move her kittens down the hall to my parents' closet and then sitting outside the closet and whacking the teenage mom cat every time she tried to leave her kittens. It kind of made an impression on us teenage girls--don't be that teenage mother cat.
|
|
