Teaching old songs new licks

[Cornflake]

I wrote the first draft of this one on vacation last summer. For about a week I love everything I write. When that week had passed, I didn't like my initial attempt. It sounded like a preachy call to social consciousness of the sort that gives folk music a bad name. Also, the music was boring.

So I put the song aside and forgot about it. But it kept coming to mind. That's usually a sign that there was something about a rejected song that had some merit. Not always, but usually.

The last two mornings, I reworked the music and the lyrics and now I think I like it. I don't love it but I like it. I still have some concern that it's preachy. I'm hoping you guys will let me know. It's an up-tempo rocker.

I knew a man doing ten to twenty
He robbed a store to get his family through
Seems they were hungry in a land of plenty
That coulda been me, it coulda been you

Down some darker road I might have taken
There ain't no telling what my life would be
So when I see someone whose soul is achin'
I can't help thinking: that coulda been me

I had a friend who didn't make it
What was haunting her I never knew
The note just said she couldn't take it
That coulda been me, it coulda been you

Down some darker road I might have taken
There ain't no telling what my life would be
So when I see someone whose soul is achin'
I can't help thinking: that coulda been me

The Good Samaritan is worth recallin'
Cause he did what the others failed to do
He lent a hand to a man who'd fallen
That could be me, it could be you

Down some darker road I might have taken
There ain't no telling what my life would be
So when I see someone whose soul is achin'
I can't help thinking: that coulda been me
I can't help thinking: that coulda been me

[Gypsy Picker]

My initial reaction is that the lyrics seem a bit deep for an up-tempo rocker. When I read them with a slower more soulful melodic inflection (if that makes sense), the lyrics sit better with me. In other words, if you gave me the lyrics and asked me to arrange music for them, I'd very likely not come back to you with something you'd call an up-tempo rocker.

To the lyric itself, I think it's reasonably good (as a rocker), but some lines seem a bit forced -- by virtue of your rhyming scheme, I assume -- e.g., "in a land of plenty". Seems "and had no money" would work as well and roll of the tongue a bit easier. I like the hook, and that it's reinforced by the chorus. I think what may be lacking for me is a sense of change or contrast -- you tell two stories of down-and-out in the first two verses and end the song with the "preachy" verse. Perhaps a third verse in between could set it up better -- a success story perhaps? Where the Samartian does step in? Then on the last verse, instead of "did what the others failed to do", you could say "did what I failed to do" and add some humility that tempers the preachiness.

Most of the lyric is written in that casual rockin' lingo with words like "coulda", "achin'", "ain't", etc., which works well with a rocker, but if I slowed it down I'd likely tweak some words to be less affected.

I hope my critique does not come across too negatively. I think there IS something here, and if it were mine, I would continue working with it until both the message and the music worked well.

[Cornflake]

That's helpful, GP, and I don't think it's too negative. I think you're right that the Good Samaritan verse still comes across as too preachy. I'll give some thought to where else the third verse might go. It shouldn't be another verse about lives gone awry.

It is a tough rhyme scheme to work with.

[Cornflake]

The first alternative to the third verse that occurred to me:

I've walked on by some who were hurtin'
And I've been walked by a time or two
So who's to blame? Well I'm fairly certain
Sometimes it's me, sometimes it's you

That may not be right but it's better.

[loopysanchez]

If we're speaking honestly here, I think you're going to turn off a decent segment of your audience (myself included, to some degree) with the first verse's notion that any one of us might turn to armed robbery and end up in jail if our nation doesn't give us the opportunities we feel we deserve so that we can feed our family. But if that verse is what you're truly feeling, then don't worry about who you turn off--say what needs to be said.

As for the tempo, I'll just say that when I read the lyrics, I had a fairly slow beat going in my head without really thinking about it. And for whatever reason, the music in my head sounded similar to Monte Montgomery's "Sunset Lullaby". I don't know if you've ever heard that one, but it's definitely a compliment that your lyrics caused my brain to put that music with them.

As for the song's lyrics, they work fine for me. Definitely kept me engaged from the first line to the last, and delivered a message that was to the point without being anywhere close to sappy or melodramatic. The only little hiccup that affected me was that the verses end with a reference to "you" and "me", while the choruses end with a reference only to "me". A minor inconsistency, I know, but it feels like the message is being shifted from including me in it, to just applying to yourself, then back and forth again. In other words, I'd like it if you'd keep me, the egotistical listener, included in your "phrase that pays" throughout the song.


And on a final note, I'll say that it's a helluva lot better anything I've written in the last year, without a doubt.

[Cornflake]

Loopy, thanks for the kind words. As for the tempo, it's about like Born in the USA. Maybe up-tempo was a bad description.

I'm intrigued by this: "If we're speaking honestly here, I think you're going to turn off a decent segment of your audience (myself included, to some degree) with the first verse's notion that any one of us might turn to armed robbery and end up in jail if our nation doesn't give us the opportunities we feel we deserve so that we can feed our family."

Would we rob if need be to feed our families? I would have. It's not even a close question. Happily, I never needed to. Anyway, if the first verse provokes some resistance, I tend to think that's good. Maybe the song will make people think.