Coke & Carbon Blues

[Deleted]

I was reading a piece in the Terre Haute Tribune Star Monday about the environmental clean-up of an old coke and carbon plant on the city's southside. What a mess; in the summer, black tar oozes up from the ground, and the list of carcinogens that they've found in the soil is truly impressive. The plant opened in 1916 and closed in the '80s and was torn down soon thereafter. The reporter interviewed some of the workers and they had some interesting tales, so the whole thing struck me as fodder for a song. Here is what I came up with. But I come here, in part, for some advice, as you can see from the questions posed below. Any insights welcome. (As long as they are constructive, that is.)

COKE & CARBON BLUES

When it snows the ground turns black
You can feel it in your lungs
Twin-sister smokestacks touch the sky
Clouds they belch blot out the sun

The monster never shuts its doors
Never turns out the lights
Spits out 400 tons of coke
Every day and every night

Grew up three blocks down the street
From the coke and carbon plant
Daddy worked here before me
Swore to his death that he’d get out

(chorus)
Trains clatter down the rails
Dump their coal and roll away
If I was a younger man
I’d hop that train and leave today

I made good money for 30 years
In the end, it took my health
While owners paid their men in suits
To sit and count up all their wealth

Working man gets the short stick
He’ll never make it out alive
Just prays the sky is clear and blue
When in heaven he arrives

(chorus)

When it snows the ground turns black
Feels like darkness in your chest
Someday those ‘stacks will all fall down
The monster finally takes its rest

----------------------------------------------

So here are my questions:

1) Is the current first verse better than the first draft, which was:

When it snows the ground turns black
You can feel it in your chest
Bosses say it’s safe to breathe
And we don’t need no mask

The first draft's version has the lines showing that plant's management told workers it was safe. But I changed it to get in the bit about the smokestacks (which come into play in the final verse) and also to get the word "lungs" in there instead of "chest." "Lungs" is more visceral, plus it is a nod to Townes Van Zandt.

2) Is the current chorus better than the first draft, which was:

Trains clatter down the rails
Dump their coal and roll out
If I was a smarter man
I’d hop that train and leave this town

The current version has a better rhyme (away/today) but I like the sense of place that the word "town" gives in the first draft. The protagonist is leaving a place, his hometown, which is significant.

3) In the first line of the chorus, is it better to say the train clatters “down the rails” or “down the tracks”? With "tracks" you've got that train/tracks thing, but then again, "tracks" is the word you'd expect and sometimes I feel like zigging when others zag.

4) In the third line of the chorus, is it better to say “If I was a younger man” or “If I was a smarter man”? (And grammatically speaking, it should, of course, be, “If I were a….” but this is songwriting, not a grammar lesson.)

5) Should the line in the chorus be "...hop that freight..." or "...hop that train...."? Seems like in blues songs, protagonists are always hopping freights, but these were coal trains.

6) I dropped one verse entirely from the first draft. Should it go back in? If so, where? Here’s the verse:

First time I saw my daddy’s legs
They were fair as hickory
Rest of him dark as the coal
That big furnace ate each day

I cut it for length and also, I wondered if someone who grew up in the shadow of an urban coke and carbon plant would actually know what color hickory was.

7) I'm also not married to the title. Any suggestions welcome.

[Lonnie]

The bit about bosses and masks is too literal, the newer first verse has better imagery.

I wish I could hear the music, the phrasing. I'm not keen on "clouds they belch, blot out the sun," the words seem forced in, I'm looking for a more natural way to say it. Make me a down and dirty mp3 (if you don't have music yet, just speak the words in your proposed rhythm).

"Working man gets the short stick..." is there a more poetic, less in your face way to say that? "Gets the short stick" seems too, um, slangy... trying to explain... it jumps out from the rest of the lyric, not in a good way. Seems (to me) like place-holder words until the right phrase comes to mind...

Younger man vs Smarter Man... they both work. Perhaps, as a progression through the song, and a subtle nod to the inevitable destruction of lives and the town, use smarter in the first chorus, younger in the last... how many choruses total, 3? Maybe smarter in ch. 1 (as in, unaware of the dangers), stronger or something like that in chorus 2, as the effects of working there begin to take their toll. and younger in the last chorus, as defeat takes hold. Another nod to Townes... I have heard him do (and it's the version I do) different lyrics in each chorus of "Pancho and Lefty..."

All the Federales say they could have had him any day
They only let him hang around
They only let him slip away
They only let him go so long or go so wrong

I like the concept of the excluded verse about Daddy... but you're right about "hickory." Listening, not analyzing or researching what hickory looks like, I heard hickory and thought wood, thought dark, thought chicory. Soooo... think about Daddy's face. Did they wear goggles in the plant? Alabaster vs coal... white, black... there's something there.

[Deleted]

Those are great thoughts, Lonnie. That said, even a down-and-dirty MP3 is beyond my technical capabilities. I've got music. The song is capoed at the first fret and the chords are thus:

(Bm)When it snows the (A)ground (Em)turns (G)black
(Bm)You can feel it (A)in your (D)lungs
Twin (Bm)sister smokestacks (A)touch (Em)the (G)sky
(Bm)Clouds they belch blot (A)out the (D)sun

I know that doesn't tell you much, but it is like that all the way through.

Would the last line of the first verse be improved any if I replaced the word "blot" with "hide"?

I, too, had issues with "short stick" but I couldn't think of anything else. For one thing, the phrase doesn't sing very well where I've got it. I'll put my thinking cap on, but I'm open to any thoughts.

The younger man/smarter man is a good point, too. Maybe I'll go with "smarter man" the first time I sing the chorus, and "younger man" the second time.

One of my hang-ups with the "daddy's legs" verses is it struck me -- and I'm not sure how to put this -- as a bit creepy for some reason. Yeah, kids see their parents' legs all the time. But there's just something about it, in the context of this song, that creeped me out about it.

As far as the goggles go, from what I get from the article, safety equipment was pretty much an afterthought at that plant.

[Lonnie]

OK on the goggles... neck-line, wrists, anywhere but legs (yep, that creeped me out, too) that would be protected from the grime... um, did Daddy wear a hat? The white band above his eyes? I still think there's something there.

[Deleted]

Instead of "Working man gets the short stick," what about, "Working man pays sweat and blood"?

The "daddy's legs" concept is one I liked because one of the people interviewed in the article spoke about seeing her dad's legs and how she always thought he had some disease because his ankles (which were always protected by pants) were a different color from the rest of him. One of my issues with the verse, aside from the creep factor, was that I fear the song is getting too long. At this age, I have enough trouble memorizing things as it is....

[Deleted]

Worked on the song a bit more. Cut a verse and changed a few lines.

After mulling the counsel of Lonnie and others, I came to really dislike the last line of the first verse. What the hell was I thinking putting "belch" and "blot" in the same line? Seriously. That wasn't me. Couldn't have been. I wouldn't do something like that. Rob Zombie took over my brain and wrote it.

I don’t know if the solution I came up with is any better, but I think it gets the point across. I kept looking for another way to describe the emissions but I wanted to avoid “smoke” (since “smokestack” is in the previous line) and “cloud” seemed too benign. Generally, when you think of clouds, you think pretty, serene thoughts. (Unless you're Reed Timmer....)

I got rid of the verse about making good money and the owners counting their wealth. I cut it to shorten the song (Edit! Edit! Edit!) and also because I thought it might be too strident. The song should be about the worker, and maybe the listener will hear his lament and think about the raw deal he’s getting. Terre Haute was the hometown of Eugene Debs, and the new fourth verse is very Debsian; he often spoke about how management and religion promised a “pie in the sky” to the worker, while the worker really needed the pie here on Earth.

By cutting out the verse, I don’t get the direct reference to the coke and carbon plant in until after the first chorus, and I'm going to have to see how that feels. If I had the first three verses before the first chorus, that would make the song really lop-sided, if that makes any sense. So I distributed them a bit more evenly. I figured I should try to follow at least a couple of songwriting rules.

Also, by cutting the verse, I came to the conclusion that the chorus needed to have the "younger" reference in it both times, instead of going with "smarter" the first time and "younger" the second time. I felt I needed to address the issue of his age sooner in the song.

I also changed the last two lines of the final verse.

Here is the song as it stands now:

When it snows the ground turns black
You can feel it in your lungs
Twin-sister smokestacks touch the sky
Their overcast dulls the sun

The monster never shuts its doors
Never turns out the lights
Spits out 400 tons of coke
Every day and every night

(chorus)
Trains clatter down the tracks
Dump their coal and roll away
If I was a younger man
I’d hop that train and leave today

Grew up three blocks down the street
From the coke and carbon plant
Daddy worked there before me
Swore to his death he’d get out

Working man pays with his health
He’ll never make it out alive
Just prays the sky is clear and blue
When in heaven he arrives

(chorus)

When it snows the ground turns black
Feels like darkness in your chest
Hope I live to see those stacks come down
The monster finally take its rest

[Lonnie]

OK, let's really personify the sisters in the 4th line:
"Twin-sister smokestacks touch the sky
A caress that dulls the sun"

dark imagery, a killing touch...

I'd love to sit down with you on this one and just throw words across a table.

[Deleted]

Dec 14, 2012 11:05:16 GMT -5 Lonnie said:

OK, let's really personify the sisters in the 4th line:
"Twin-sister smokestacks touch the sky
A caress that dulls the sun"

dark imagery, a killing touch...

I'd love to sit down with you on this one and just throw words across a table.

I really like the "caress" thing. You can consider it stolen.

And yeah, it would be great to sit down and go over this with you. I'd say we should show up early at the Coffee Grounds some Sunday and go over it. You've been quite helpful so far. And I've been toying with some issues of the progression that you'd no doubt be helpful with. Just as I am trying to get rid of verses, I'm also trying to get rid of chords. The saying is "three chords and the truth" and as it stands now, I've got four and that additional chord isn't adding any extra truth.

[Deleted]

After more mulling, here is my current iteration of the first verse:

When it snows the ground turns black
You can feel it in your lungs
Twin-sister smokestacks spear the sky
They breathe out and dull the sun

I decided I liked the alliteration in the third line. Grew up on Stephen Stills songs, and he was big on alliteration.

[Marshall]

1. I like “the mask”

2. Like the “younger man” (Though “If I could do it over again” sentiment would be better)

3. Like the “rails”

4. See 2 above

5. “Train”

6. I like “the furnace ate him every day.” Hickory is OK. The world, “fair” describes it adequately.

7. Marry somebody else.

[Deleted]

I performed the song at the open mike at the Coffee Grounds last night, and the three other performers there (two of whom were the hosts) liked it. Others clapped, too.

The first verse now goes:

When it snows the ground turns black
You can feel it in your lungs
Twin-sister smokestacks stab the sky
They breathe out and blur the sun

I thought about "caress" over the weekend and while I liked it originally, I concluded that, in my mind, it puts too much emphasis on the sisters, and I don't want the listener going in that direction.

I have also changed the first line of the chorus to say "Coal train clatters down the tracks" because I thought I need to get the coal in there quickly. And I'm keeping "coal" in the second line of the chorus, too. At first I wasn't crazy about doing that, but it sounded weird to say "Dumps its load and rolls away." This song is about coal. I can't shy away from the word itself.

My problem now is the last verse. As it stands now, it is:

When it snows the ground turns black
Feels like darkness in your chest
Hope I live to see those stacks come down
The monster finally take its rest

The third line is very tricky to sing in the song's meter. There are just too many syllables and I've tried a number of things and they don't seem to work right. I've tried "Hope I see those stacks come down" and that doesn't get across the protagonist is living on borrowed time. "I wanna see those stacks come down" just sounds vindictive.

I doubt Richard Berry worried about this kind of stuff when he wrote "Louie Louie" in 1955. Maybe I shouldn't, either.

[Deleted]

Here's what it sounds like now:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xi3TqnyQTXA

[Marshall]

Dec 17, 2012 12:32:39 GMT -5 @dhanners said:

They breathe out and blur the sun

They exhale and blur the sky.

I like the personification of the stacks. Exhale seemed like a lively alternative.

[xyrn]

Well I'm late to the party on this thread, but I have a couple thoughts.

Regarding the title, I listened to the song and there was a lot of imagery about poisoned skies and tainted air, breathing problems and grime everywhere. So, "Black Sky Blues", "Black Snow Blues", "Black Lung Blues" came to mind.
Most (?) people hear "coke" and think of cocaine, which obviously you realize that isn't what the song is about after a listen, but people do judge books by their cover, and songs by their titles, so, that was just one thought I had.

After the line about twin-sister smokestacks, how about something like "Spewing poison, shrouds the sun" or something along those lines? Belching poison, hides the sun, etc.

Grew up three blocks down the street
From the coke and carbon plant
Daddy worked there before me
Swore to his death he’d get out

Working man pays with his health
He’ll never make it out alive
Just prays the sky is clear and blue
When in heaven he arrives

(chorus)

When it snows the ground turns black
Feels like darkness in your chest
Hope I live to see those stacks come down
The monster finally take its rest

These verses seem a bit out of order, to me. (Granted, this is jjust one opinion and take it with a grain of salt. )

After the verse about Daddy working to death, then maybe the verse about how 'you', the son, hoped to see those stacks come down, put'n that monster to rest. Then the chorus, and then the verse about blue sky in heaven as the final verse, ending the song on the sad note instead.

The way it is now it seems out of order as their is the Daddy working and never getting out, then the statement that working man never gets out alive but then it switches and the final verse talks about hoping the plant will close.
(Again, these are just some random thoughts I'm having as I'm typing this at four in the morning, at work. It's pretty good as it is and it takes a lot of guts to write and sing a song and put it out there for critique. )
-Kris

[Deleted]

I appreciate the thoughts, Kris. The song has some imperfections and I'm still trying to work them out but nothing has come to me. Yet. As for guts, I dunno about that....

I do perform the song differently than I wrote it, though. I streamlined some stuff. I've had the same concern about the word "coke" as you do, but decided to live with it. I can explain it when I introduce the song, although I generally hold that if you have to explain a song in the introduction, you've probably got problems since songs should be self-explanatory.

The current version goes like this:

When it snows the ground turns gray
You can feel it in your lungs
Twin-sister smokestacks crowd the sky
They breath out and blur the sun

This monster never shuts its doors
Never turns out the lights
Spits out 400 tons of coke
Every day and every night

(chorus)
Coal train clatters down the tracks
Dumps its coal and rolls away
If I was a younger man
I’d hop that train and leave today

Grew up on South 13th Street
Near the coke and carbon plant
Daddy worked there before me
Swore to his death he’d get out

Working man pays with his health
He’ll never make it out alive
Just pray the sky is clear and blue
When in heaven I arrive

(chorus)

When it snows the ground turns gray
Feels like darkness in your chest
Hope I live to see those stacks fall
The monster finally take its rest