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Rooms
Jun 30, 2013 15:30:17 GMT -5
Post by Cornflake on Jun 30, 2013 15:30:17 GMT -5
The muse has mostly deserted me but she stops by for visits now and then.
There’s a room where I keep all my dreams and my plans They’re old now, they turn into dust in my hands I seldom go in ‘cause it hurts to compare The man that I am with the man who lives there
There’s a room where they’ll put me when I grow old The light’s always fading, the air’s always cold The kids’ll come visit to prove that they care I hope that I die before they put me there
There’s a room where I keep All the goodness and joy that I’ve known My wife’s there of course In that room I’m never alone
There’s a room where I go when I’m singing a song As long as I’m honest I seldom go wrong It’s mostly just me, a guitar and the night But I hear and God does and things are all right
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Rooms
Jun 30, 2013 20:48:27 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2013 20:48:27 GMT -5
I think a lot of folks would identify with the sentiments, and you express them pretty well.
A couple of thoughts:
-- what about turning the last verse into a chorus? That might give the song some optimism or a redemptive feel: Yeah, you're down and life has passed by, but you pull out the guitar and everything is A-OK.
-- I wonder about the "I hope that I die..." line at the end of the second verse. I understand the sentiment, but saying that you hope you die, whatever the context, just strikes me as sad. I'm probably not articulating that well.
-- something I've noticed in my own writing is my use of the word "the" and I often go through a song and remove as many of them as I can. There are some spots where it has to stay, but I think this song might benefit from such an approach. Or not.
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Rooms
Jun 30, 2013 21:15:41 GMT -5
Post by Cornflake on Jun 30, 2013 21:15:41 GMT -5
Thanks very much for commenting, David. I want to think about what you've said. The hope-that-I-die line is intended to be jarring. It's honest, so I can't go that far wrong.
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