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Post by RickW on Jul 1, 2013 20:26:16 GMT -5
Yes, some of the most recent studies show thier brains don't stop developing until 25. Yikes. (Boys and girls.) Our eldest would have driven us crazy when younger, I'm sure, though perhaps she wouldn't have been so stubborn if raised in dfferent circumstances.
As I said, other two have been no trouble at all.
There's still time.
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Post by dradtke on Jul 1, 2013 20:53:05 GMT -5
One girl and two boys here. Boys are easy. Teen girls and moms are like cats and cats. Do not take sides. They don't want your advice. They won't agree with you even if you agree with them. All they need is somebody to listen and nod quietly while they vent. Then go the basement or the garage. I got a lot of remodeling work done around the house when my daughter was that age. Now they're great friends. It happens to everybody. I'm pretty sure it happened at Don's house, too, and he's just repressed those memories.
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Post by Cornflake on Jul 1, 2013 20:58:09 GMT -5
"I'm pretty sure it happened at Don's house, too, and he's just repressed those memories." That's entirely possible, so I asked Diane. She thought for a moment and then said no, the girls and I never fought. It's some recessive gene in our makeup, I suppose.
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Dub
Administrator
I'm gettin' so the past is the only thing I can remember.
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Post by Dub on Jul 1, 2013 21:21:57 GMT -5
Daughters will turn on you at the age of thirteen or so. They're starting to understand that they are individuals and they don't know what they should do about that. They get input from other kids, from you, from their own imaginations. Suddenly you have to drop them off a block or two from their destination so no one will see that their parents brought them. At the mall they'll want to be anywhere but where you are. It isn't that they don't love you, they're just being pulled in all these different directions and they don't know how to recast childhood relationships with you into a somewhat more mature ones. You'll get them back all full of love at about age 22 to 24.
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Post by Village Idiot on Jul 1, 2013 21:52:13 GMT -5
Don't know how many of you have daughters here, but anyways....... My daughter turn 15 at the beginning of the year, since that time her and my wife seem to be getting into all the time. Yes, and? Welcome to the World of Estrogenia. You have now been on the forum long enough to know that that's what we fathers of daughters only endearingly term our domiciles. My suggestion would be to get a male dog, and to go on lots of long walks with him, and to let him ride around in your truck with his head sticking out the window. The reality is that a father-daughter relationship is not the same as a mother-daughter relationship. It just isn't. Your 15-year-old daughter thinks you're as stupid as her mother is, she just approaches it differently. The teenage brain is not an adult brain. At 15, everything is growing except the brain, where synapses are sparking every which way like a utility pole struck by lightning. Give her time, and things will straighten out. We raised two girls, and I can say that between the moments of chaos, when you are not there, mom and daughter at times have some real conversations. You're just not there to see it. And then the girl grows out of it, and she and her mother will suddenly become the very best of friends. They truly will. |
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Tamarack
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Ancient Citizen
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Post by Tamarack on Jul 1, 2013 22:12:14 GMT -5
"synapses are sparking every which way like a utility pole struck by lightning"
Very poetic and very true. I have nothing to add but a "me too". Dawn and Ana were/are the same as most mothers and daughters. Ana is 21, has a child of her own, and still lives at home. The mother/daughter relationship hasn't changed.
I have injured myself by clenching my jaw and biting my tongue. The basement can be a wonderful place.
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Post by aquaduct on Jul 1, 2013 23:11:15 GMT -5
I like to stay out of them, let the two of them work it out. The part I hate is when both of them come to me, it like who can get to Dad first and tell him their side of the story. It's like two little kids fighting. It just make me want to scream. Another vote for making sure your garage is heated and has a decently stocked refrigerator. You're a father. There comes a time for a few years when daughters and mothers make brawling bikers look like complete sissies. Know this- it's your fault, no you don't get to know what the hell you did, you can't win, you can't break even, and you can't quit the game. It will pass. My daughter is 23 and best friends with my wife. I'm still wondering what the hell happened. |
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Post by jdd2 on Jul 2, 2013 6:16:58 GMT -5
We have two daughters (now older) and had none of the problems described.
I don't know what advice to offer Bassman or who to agree/disagree with, above.
ps--no garage, and no basement.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2013 6:25:51 GMT -5
Like someone said above, I stay out of their fights unless it gets out of hand, then I just tell them to cool it. On a few occasions where I think my wife IS wrong, I'll talk to her about it separately, not in front of the kid. She hates to admit she's wrong, but you can tell it has her thinking about what she said.
One of the things I learned from my parents, is to never "pile on". Let the one parent with the issue handle it...as a parent...
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Post by Bassman on Jul 2, 2013 7:03:03 GMT -5
Maybe I should start building that deck outside that I've been planning for the past 2 years.
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Post by Fingerplucked on Jul 2, 2013 7:24:37 GMT -5
Maybe I should start building that deck outside that I've been planning for the past 2 years. Build it now, but it won't do you any good until the temperatures drop below 50 degrees or so. |
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Post by AlanC on Jul 2, 2013 7:37:22 GMT -5
Like someone said above, I stay out of their fights unless it gets out of hand, then I just tell them to cool it. On a few occasions where I think my wife IS wrong, I'll talk to her about it separately, not in front of the kid. She hates to admit she's wrong, but you can tell it has her thinking about what she said. One of the things I learned from my parents, is to never "pile on". Let the one parent with the issue handle it...as a parent... +1 for Chuck's advice. Stay out of it as much as possible when the bullets are flying. If you think your wife was wrong give her another perspective to consider after she calms down and then let it go. I had two daughters and one son in between. My wife had battles with Number One daughter but nothing that sounds as bad as what you describe. Good Luck. |
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Post by Shannon on Jul 2, 2013 7:59:49 GMT -5
I've raised one daughter through the teenage years, but I'm another lucky one. Rachel and Kathy never had fights. So I don't really have any wisdom to share other than this: it is hard to do the wrong thing if you just love them both as much as you can.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2013 8:27:53 GMT -5
Recognize that generic advice is just that: generic. There are often times and circumstances when it's best to stay out of it, but there are other times when you need to step in. As the child of a dysfunctional, abusive family, I'm not going to repeat platitudes about mother/daughter relationships and how they always work out in the end if you just stay away. Real life is messier than that, and more consequential. While I don't know you, nor your situation, I'd suggest that, as unpleasant as the thought might be, sometimes it's your job to change the dynamic.
Good luck.
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Post by Chesapeake on Jul 2, 2013 21:58:59 GMT -5
Everybody is different. I've seen up-close two cases where the daughter rebelled against the mother at just about that same age as yours. In both cases it sent the mothers up the wall. In both cases, in the fullness of time, they have come to terms with each other and have fair-to-good relationships. By the way, the younger sister of one of these young ladies never had any problems with her mother. Go figure. As to yourself, it's a no-win situation. If you side with your daughter, you alienate your wife. And vice versa. But I don't need to tell you that. Trying to stay above the fray as much as you can is probably about the best you can do, but you'll take grief for that as well. Unfortunately they are likely to live through this period, but you may wind up with permanent scars in terms of resentments. All I can say is good luck.
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Post by godotwaits on Jul 3, 2013 8:41:41 GMT -5
Dear God:
Thank you Lord. I know I was hoping to have both a son and a daughter, but I now understand your wisdom and accept it. You sent me only a son. And that was truly wise on your part. I know, there was some amount of 'horn wrangling' in the early days, you know, setting boundaries.. setting standards.. defining guiding philosophies... and man to man chats.. I never had to hit him... he was a dream come true... all I had to do was talk to him and be honest... and today, he has been launched forth from my humble quiver and has achieved all his academic requirements for a Phd (sans dissertation) and is out there "tilting with the windmills" and making his own humble way in life...
Thank you God. I see the wisdom of your way. No daughters. They're so fucking expensive to marry off!!... My boy.... He's gonna be an Irish bachelor... so to speak ... and by the time he decides to marry, I'll be sitting in a tarnished set of Depends on the retirement porch, cheering from the sidelines.
Thank you God. For all your blessings. And giving me a one off freebie... I am mindful of Cheasapeake's illustration.
Signed..
Your humble soul.
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Post by Marshall on Jul 3, 2013 9:07:41 GMT -5
Just to let know, I rarely have a problem with my daughter when she with me, we could sit and talk for hours, sometimes I wonder if my wife feels threaten? There you go! keep doing what you're doing, Dad. The rest will work itself out in time. I hear there's beautiful battlefield memorial at Gettysberg. |
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Post by dradtke on Jul 3, 2013 14:42:40 GMT -5
On a few occasions where I think my wife IS wrong, I'll talk to her about it separately, not in front of the kid. Granted the rest of the advice is generic. This one, however, cannot be stressed enough. No matter how wrong I thought my wife was - or more often, how wrong she thought I was - we always backed each other up in front of the kids, and argued discussed it later. Eventually, however, kids do turn into people. |
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