opinions sought

[Deleted]

Ok, this is a re-tool of a song I wrote a couple of years ago that I was getting tired of. I got inspired by listening to Rodney Crowell's "Highway 17" and decided to re-do the song. But here's the problem: I've been editing back and forth so much over the past few days that I have lost perspective and I can't figure out if the song (which is a true story) works better in first-person or third-person.

I like first-person songs because you know who the narrator is. The only problem in this instance is that the guy dies at the end of the song, so he is telling this tale from the grave, which is not a story-telling concept I'm big on.

So opinions on which version is preferable (and why) are welcome. Also, if anyone has an idea for a title, I'm all ears. (And yeah, there are some lumpy rhymes and lines, but they kinda work when I sing them.)

Thanks.


First-person version:

I rode with Clyde Barrow and that bitch Bonnie Parker
Got along with Clyde but had no use for her
They’s tigers in a whirlwind, two banshees bound for Hell
But they liked me ‘cause I was good at bustin’ out of jail
yeah, I was good with a Browning and bustin’ out of jail

Me and Floyd Hamilton rolled like a muzzle blast
Held up every gas station Illinois to Dallas
Had us a run like no one ever saw
'Til we robbed that Coca-Cola plant in Nashville, Arkansas
Robbed the Coca-Cola plant in Nashville, Arkansas

Went off like we planned, thought we was in luck
‘Til we counted up the take: was just 67 bucks
Hid out in the woods, schemin’ our next score
When I got back to Dallas the cops were at the door
Damn Dallas cops were waitin’ at my door

Drifted in an out of every lockup Texas had
Even did a federal bit out on Alcatraz
Years a blur of stick-ups and flop houses
Small-town cops and 2 a.m. roustings
God, I hated those cops and those 2 a.m. roustings

Industrial Boulevard, Dallas, fall of ‘71
Hit Sigel’s Liquor Store and was back on the run
Took a family hostage when I run out of tricks
Texas Ranger ended it with a 30-06
Yeah, that Ranger dropped me with a 30-06

I was born Huron Walters but they called me Terrible Ted
Never knew when but I knew I'd wind up dead
Never good at much, every honest job I failed
But I was good with a Browning and bustin’ out of jail
Yeah, I was good with a Browning and bustin’ out of jail


Third-person version:

He rode with Clyde Barrow and that bitch Bonnie Parker
Got along with Clyde but had no use for her
They was tigers in a whirlwind, two banshees bound for Hell
But they liked him ‘cause he was good at bustin’ out of jail
Good with a Browning and bustin’ out of jail

Him and Floyd Hamilton rolled like a muzzle blast
Held up every gas station Illinois to Dallas
Had them a run like no one ever saw
'Til they robbed that Coca-Cola plant in Nashville, Arkansas
Robbed the Coca-Cola plant in Nashville, Arkansas

Went off like they planned, thought they was in luck
‘Til they counted up the take: just 67 bucks
Hid out in the woods, schemin’ the next score
When he got back to Dallas, cops were at the door
Damn Dallas cops were waitin’ at the door

Drifted in an out of every lockup Texas had
Even did a federal bit out on Alcatraz
Years a blur of stick-ups and flop houses
Small-town cops, 2 a.m. roustings
God, he hated cops and those 2 a.m. roustings

Industrial Boulevard, Dallas, fall of ‘71
Hit Sigel’s Liquor Store, he was back on the run
Took a family hostage when he run out of tricks
'Til a Ranger ended it with a 30-06
Yeah, that Ranger dropped him with a 30-06

He was born Huron Walters but they called him Terrible Ted
Never knew when but he knew he’d wind up dead
Never good at much, every honest job he failed
But he was good with a Browning and bustin’ out of jail
Yeah, he was good with a Browning and bustin’ out of jail

[Lonnie]

"El Paso" was sung from the grave... "Tell Laura I Love Her" was sung from the grave... "Long Black Veil" was sung from the grave... "Highwayman" was sung from numerous graves, one of them in the distant future. I vote for the first person narrative.

[Deleted]

I guess I hadn't thought of those songs, but yeah, I see your point. And I do think the song has more impact in the first-person. In fact, for the particular project I want to do this song on -- an EP of songs about people on the wrong side of the law -- it might be cool to do songs that are all first-person.

Since the original post, I have re-written the fourth verse to this:

Floyd found the Lord and decided to go straight
That was good for him but that was not my fate
Drifted in an out of every lockup Texas had
Even did a bit out on Alcatraz
Yeah, did some federal time out on Alcatraz

"Bit" is slang for a prison sentence, by the way.

There are some other lines I will no doubt re-write or ditch. "Industrial Boulevard, Dallas, fall of '71" is still a mouthful, but it gives us a time and place and some atmosphere in that I've never really known any street named "Industrial" to be ritzy. In fact, Dallas renamed the street to "Riverfront Boulevard" a few years ago.

The line, "Held up every gas station Illinois to Dallas" is still kind of a problem, too. It flows a smidge better if I sing "...from Illinois to Dallas" but it still is a bumpy ride, as are the lines about the Texas Ranger (a guy named Tom Arnold) and his 30-06.

[Deleted]

Here is the current re-write. Some of the lines have been cleaned up and although I liked the "Industrial Boulevard, Dallas, fall of '71" line, it had to go. "Thirty-aught-six" is still a mouthful to say in the two lines it is in, but the term has to stay. I changed a bit of the way I play it so some of the lines that were bumpy before sing more smoothly now.

I rode with Clyde Barrow and that bitch Bonnie Parker
Got along with Clyde but had no use for her
Tigers in a whirlwind, two banshees bound for Hell
Clyde said I had a knack for bustin’ out of jail
Yeah, I was good with a Browning and bustin’ out of jail

Me and Floyd Hamilton rolled like a muzzle blast
Held up every filling station Chicago to Dallas
Had us a run like no one ever saw
'Til we robbed that Coca-Cola plant in Nashville, Arkansas
Robbed the Coca-Cola plant in Nashville, Arkansas

Went down like we planned, thought we was in luck
‘Til we counted up the take: got just 67 bucks
Hid out in the woods for a day then several more
But when I got back to Dallas, cops were at my door
Damn Dallas cops were waitin’ at the door

Floyd found the Lord, turned right and went straight
I say good for him but that was not my fate
I drifted in an out of every lockup Texas had
Even did a bit out on Alcatraz
Did a federal bit out on Alcatraz

My last score was a liquor store on Industrial Boulevard
But I faltered on my getaway and didn’t get too far
Took a family hostage when I run out of tricks
Landed square in the sights of a 30-06
Ranger dropped me with one shot of a 30-06

I was born Huron Walters, they called me Terrible Ted
Never knew when but I knew I'd wind up dead
If I’d tried honest work I surely would have failed
But I was good with a Browning and bustin’ out of jail
Yeah, I was good with a Browning and bustin’ out of jail

By the way, if you're ever looking for a cool bit of film noir, check out a movie called "Gun Crazy." It is the movie that prompted this song. I watched it on TCM one day and looked it up on imdb.com and it said the movie's penultimate robbery (of a meat-packing plant) was loosely based on a robbery of a Coca-Cola bottling plant committed by Huron "Terrible Ted" Walters and Floyd Hamilton, who were a couple of contemporaries of Clyde Barrow and Bonnie Parker; Hamilton even spent time with the Barrow gang.

Anyway, I wound up doing some research on Walters' life and death and it seemed like one of those "Only in Texas" yarns that would make a good song, so I turned it into the original version of this song, which I titled "The Ballad of Terrible Ted."

I posted a version of it to YouTube and was intrigued by the responses. I heard from Walters' great-nephew, a witness to the shootout in which Walters was killed, a guy who knows some of Walters' relatives and a guy who said his mother told him about how, when she was a little girl, Walters and Hamilton gave her a bag of times from one of their holdups. They all liked the song, by the way. (Whew....)

Anyway, I was getting bored by the song and wanted to experiment with editing it and putting it in a minor key and giving it more of a "desperado" or white man's corrido feel. So the version you see above is the current iteration.

But check out "Gun Crazy."

[Deleted]

After further research and re-writing, here is the current version of the song:

I rode with Clyde Barrow and that bitch Bonnie Parker
Got along with Clyde but had no use for her
Tigers in a whirlwind, when their end came it came hard
Just like me years later on Industrial Boulevard
Just like me years later on Industrial Boulevard

Joined up with Floyd Hamilton, we rolled like a muzzle blast
Held up every filling station Chicago to Dallas
Kept two steps ahead of the law
'Til we robbed that Coca-Cola plant in Nashville, Arkansas
Robbed a Coca-Cola plant in Nashville, Arkansas

Spent my nights in flophouses or somewhere behind bars
Floyd went straight and found the Lord and wound up sellin’ cars
I landed in Dallas, paroled from Leavenworth
Floyd took a chance, got me a job but I didn’t want to work
Just not the kind for 9-to-5, I didn’t care to work

My last score was a liquor store on Industrial Boulevard
Faltered on my getaway, didn’t get away too far
Took a family hostage when I run out of tricks
Landed me square in the sights of a 30-06
Ranger’s aim was sound, dropped me with one round of a 30-06

I was born Huron Walters but they called me Terrible Ted
Just like you, all I knew is one day I’d wind up dead
Floyd took a chance and got me work, then let down his guard
I could’ve drove right past that liquor store on Industrial Boulevard
Should’ve drove right by that liquor store on Industrial Boulevard[/b]