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Post by Doug on Nov 18, 2014 9:24:01 GMT -5
An engineer's wife left a note for him to prepare dinner that evening: Shepherds Pie needs to be taken out of the fridge and placed in the oven at 140 degrees.  |
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Post by Marshall on Nov 18, 2014 10:09:26 GMT -5
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
(Protracted laughter)
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Post by Greg B on Nov 18, 2014 10:17:31 GMT -5
A woman tells her engineer husband to go to the store to buy a gallon of milk. "And if they have eggs, buy a dozen".
He comes home with a dozen gallons of milk.
"Why did you buy a dozen gallons of milk" she ask?
"They had eggs." he replied.
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Post by PaulKay on Nov 18, 2014 10:35:50 GMT -5
A wife calls to her engineer husband to put toilet paper on the shopping list.
When she comes down she finds a roll of toilet paper on the shopping list.
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Post by Chesapeake on Nov 18, 2014 11:13:15 GMT -5
These would work for English majors as well.
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Post by millring on Nov 18, 2014 11:15:35 GMT -5
These would work for English majors as well. Why? Are English majors also engineers? |
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Post by Russell Letson on Nov 18, 2014 11:21:09 GMT -5
As an English major (ret.), I have to say that these sound to me like programmer jokes. (Except maybe Doug's, because a programmer wouldn't have a protractor available.)
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Post by drlj on Nov 18, 2014 11:22:23 GMT -5
 I am an English Major and I have never driven a train. Well, there was that one time but I was too drunk to remember much. |
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Post by billhammond on Nov 18, 2014 11:27:08 GMT -5
An optimist says the glass is half full.
A pessimist says the glass is half empty.
An engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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Post by Marshall on Nov 18, 2014 11:35:48 GMT -5
These would work for English majors as well. Why? Are English majors also engineers? Only in their dreams. |
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Post by aquaduct on Nov 18, 2014 11:36:15 GMT -5
I don't get it.
Says the English major engineer.
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Dub
Administrator
I'm gettin' so the past is the only thing I can remember.
Posts: 19,845 
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Post by Dub on Nov 18, 2014 12:32:44 GMT -5
Three engineers attending a conference were sharing a rental car. On a major freeway the car began acting up so they pulled onto the shoulder. The mechanical engineer thought he could fix it and spent some time under the hood without success. The electrical engineer figured he could solve the problem but also failed to fix it. Finally the software engineer suggested, “What if we all just get out of the car and get back in?”
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Post by fauxmaha on Nov 18, 2014 12:36:44 GMT -5
That one reminds me of a bit from years ago talking about what it would be like if Microsoft made cars. Among other entries, my favorite was "At random intervals and for no apparent reason, a big 'Random Car Fault' light would come on on the dashboard, at which point you would have to pull over, turn off the car, and then turn it back on. Everyone would assume that's just how thing work."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2014 14:16:24 GMT -5
An engineer, an artist and a musician get into a discussion about whether it is better to have a wife or a mistress.
The architect says "Having a wife is better. Marriage is the foundation upon which to build a family."
The musician says, "I'd prefer a mistress. The passion and excitement would inspire many songs."
The engineer says, "I'd like both." The architect and musician both gasp, "Why?" "Well," says the engineer, "That way they would both assume I was with the other one and I could go into the office and get something done."
(Says this engineer.)
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Post by Kramster on Nov 18, 2014 20:40:18 GMT -5
A software developer, a hardware engineer and a mid-level manager were on their way to a conference center located near the top of a mountain. After the conference they were driving down the steep mountain road and suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
"I know," said the manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."No, no," said the hardware engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way". "Well," said the software developer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again."
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Post by Kramster on Nov 18, 2014 20:44:19 GMT -5
Three men were sentenced to be executed by guillotine; a priest, a Muslim, and an engineer.
first was the priest and he asked that he face upwards so he could look at Heaven and his Creator. his wish was granted and the blade fell, but stopped 1/2 inch from his neck. the executioner said since the guillotine spared him, so was his life and he was allowed to leave.
next was the Muslim and he asked that he also be allowed to face upwards to look to Allah before his death. again the guillotine stopped just short and his life was spared as well.
the engineer was last and he too asked to face upwards given what happened with the first two. as he lay there, he looked up at the mechanism and said, "Aha, i see the problem!".
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Post by Kramster on Nov 18, 2014 20:45:23 GMT -5
A program manager has been working his team extra hard and as a small reward offers to take two of the engineers out to lunch. Walking to the restaurant they trip over a magic lamp and out pops a genie offering them each one wish. The first engineer asks for a yacht in the Pacific with $1 million on board and 20 beautiful girls. Poof! He is off to his yacht in the Pacific. The second engineer says that sounds great! Ill have the same, except put my yacht in the Caribbean. Poof! He is off to his yacht in the Caribbean. And what is your wish the genie asks the program manager? "I want those two back at work in 30 minutes."
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Post by Kramster on Nov 18, 2014 20:47:28 GMT -5
A mathematician and an engineer agree to a psychological experiment.
The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.
The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed."
The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through
this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms out.
The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the engineer in. He explains the situation, and the engineer's eyes light up and he starts drooling.
The psychologist is a bit confused.
"Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?"
The engineer smiles and replies, "Of course! But I'll get close enough!"
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Post by xyrn on Nov 18, 2014 23:08:25 GMT -5
That one reminds me of a bit from years ago talking about what it would be like if Microsoft made cars. Among other entries, my favorite was "At random intervals and for no apparent reason, a big 'Random Car Fault' light would come on on the dashboard, at which point you would have to pull over, turn off the car, and then turn it back on. Everyone would assume that's just how thing work." The version I heard: Why doesn't Microsoft make cars? Because the prototype took ten minutes to start and crashed every five miles. |
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Post by Greg B on Nov 19, 2014 10:30:59 GMT -5
A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house. The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."
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