Just going to throw this out there

[Bassman]

Im just going to throw this out there, and maybe you guys and gals can help me with a problem I'm having. A year ago my sister decided she didnt want my mom living with her anymore. My mom is 79yrs old and starting to become more forgetful. Anyways my brother, sister and I got together and we decided I would take my mom, my mom would pay me rent like she was when she lived with my sister, and my brother and sister would get together and handle her finances. over the next few months my sister and brother fought constantly over her finances, my sister borrowed $30,000.00 from my mom, and said she would pay it back or deduct it from her share of my moms inheritance, my brother wanted her to pay it back. Now there are to the point where my sister will not talk to me or my brother. Thats the end of that part of the story.

Because they could not figure things out. I took my mom to a lawyer and had her do a will, Living will, and Power of Attorney. I gave my brother Power of Attorney, because I did not want to be accused of taking any of my mom's money. Well since that time he has threaten to sue my sister, has consolidated all her money and refuses to give her, her checkbook or debit card. He only allows her to use her credit card, so he can track every purchase. needless to say life has become very stressful for me. He now says things like..... you shouldnt be using mom's credit card for gas and resturants. making me feel like I'm taking her money. Which I have never done !!! But because my mom is forgetful, she tell him, I dont remember that. I try and explain to him what the charges are, but he doesnt believe me, prove it give me the recipt ( I keep recipts like I need a hole in my head, I Don't ) and says your spending my inheritance. He now calls and screams at me over the phone, or texts me what are you doing you Motherf**ker I told you not to take mom here or there, tells me he needs recipts for everything for the past few months, wants my moms medical records and has basically threaten me. He now wants to buy her a 4bd house by him. Now my brother is divorced, three of his kids dont talk to him anymore, and my sister doesnt talk to him. basically he has destroyed ever relationship he has in his life. I finding out that he must be crazy. End of that story.

Now over the past year, my mom has been mean to my wife and daughter, always putting them down, beening rude, saying things she really shouldn't say, but feels because she old, she can say whatever she wants. leading to many fights between the wife and I. But they put up with it because she is my mother. We cook for her, do her laundry,take her where she wants to go. Etc.... If she moved it would make my life easier.

I'm to the point now.... that I dont know what to do? If I let her go up by my brother, he won't take very good care of her. it wouldn't surprise me if he puts in in a nursing home or lands up driving her to an early grave. Do I take her to the lawyer and revoke his Power of Attorney? To be honest, he would probably fight me in court, or I feel he would kill me, he has already threaten me. and he might me crazy enough to do something like that. some people I have talked to say...... Let him have her, let him deal with her. BUT is that the right answer? knowing how he is, and whats in store for her. after all... I feel all he wants is her money. which is only about $200 grand and a time share.

So if any of you mind, alittle input would help.

[theevan]

Wow, I am so sorry for all the trouble and pain, Bassman! There is no pain like family pain. Prayers. I can't imagine offering advice, knowing nothing other than your post here. Offhand, I would say you need to prioritize your relationships. If wife and kids come first, then mom needs to come second.

[Doug]

I have no idea how I would handle it.  I'd normally say let him deal with all of it but as you say she's your mother.  

Maybe find some sort of Senior advocate.  

[Marshall]

Wow that's tough. No good or easy answer.

My guess is you are going to have to fight your brother for power of attorney. And it will get messy. He may have to be considered an elder abuser. Or mentally incompitent to handle these affairs. I would be surprised if he hasn't already dipped into your mom's money. You might have to demand records from him. That's the only way you'll be able to prove him incompetent for the job; to show he has abused his fiscal responsibility.

How can he buy her a 4 bedroom house when she lives with you. It's pretty hard for him to say that's her wishes when you've got her sitting right next to you. "Did you really say that, Mom?"

[Tamarack]

I can only respond as the husband of a social worker who has dealt with these situations many times.

It seems appropriate to revoke your brother's power of attorney. There might be some sort of senior advocate that can handle or help handle her financial affairs at reasonable cost.

Most important is to talk with your mother's attorney, who is committed to serving your mother's best interests (and not your brother's or sister's best interests). Legal fees for an attorney who specializes in Elder Law would be money well spent.

[Doug]

What they said.  As much as possible let some outside source handle it.  

[dradtke]

My only suggestion is to talk to an elder law attorney and see what they say.

[aquaduct]

Been through something similar with my mother-in-law (except the brother was a crack addict).

The only thing I can add is to keep in mind that sometimes turning things over to the state (put your mom in a home and let them take whatever assets remain) may be the only solution. Turn it over to a neutral 3rd party for your own sanity.

[fauxmaha]

Well, that's just a shitburger, any way you slice it.

So sorry you have to go through all this. Your family (your wife and daughter, that is) are saints to be putting up with her abuse.

What's the right thing to do? No idea.

If it was me, my first thought would be my marriage.

My second thought would be my mother.

My last thought would be my brother.

Best of luck to you.

[Hobson]

Can't say that I've been in this situation, but something similar. My mother lived in a basement apartment in my brother's house for years. During that time, she paid for improvements on the house and my brother "borrowed" a lot of money from her that he never paid back. Eventually, brother and his wife lost the house due to not paying the various mortgages and ended up going bankrupt. Mom would have been out on the street if she hadn't put herself on the waiting list for subsidized senior housing.

To this day, my brother borrows money from Mom. She's now in a nursing home and has next to nothing, but now and again there's a charge on her checking account for gasoline, etc. He's not taking her anywhere. She gets out for shopping on the nursing home van. Mom gets to keep about $25 a month out of her Social Security after Medicaid takes all but $50 to pay the nursing home and she pays for her burial policy. Nursing home or not, she still needs to buy clothes and personal items and likes to get her hair done and occasionally have a meal out. I help her out, but know that if I send too much money, brother will get his hands on it.

I will never understand why people think that they're entitled to their parents' money. All I can say is nip it in the bud. You will probably never be on good terms with your brother or your sister. Sad as that is, it shouldn't be a consideration. Talk to a social worker or counselor. There are more issues than just the legal ones. Move Mom to a nursing home or assisted living, as appropriate. Salvage what you've got. Concentrate on your marriage while you still have one.

My two cents worth.

[Cornflake]

I echo those who suggested consulting a lawyer who deals with such issues. They've seen every variety of bad behavior, and will have an idea what solutions may be available. I'm afraid I don't.

[Deleted]

As others have said, I'd go back to her lawyer and have re-write her will, transferring power of attorney to a trust officer found through a bank. That way, none of you all can touch her money. I'd then have a chat with your Mom about which place she wants to move into, because she is destroying your relationship with your own family. I'd tell your brother to F off after that is done, and to not call you anymore. You aren't really obligated to put up with his crap.

Not an enviable situation at all, my friend.

[Deleted]

I don't know your wife but it sounds as if her upset is maybe not being inconsequentially voiced. I do hope that there is a route to peace for you soon.

I also guess you know that this kind of hair-tearing stuff is horrid but others recognise it and sympathise. All the best. XO

[Village Idiot]

How sad that a person getting older becomes a battle for the family. While members should be helping her out, which includes allowing her to celebrate the end of her life and to provide her comfort, this crap happens.

I know how fortunate I am to have married into a family that didn't go through this when the parents passed, and am fortunate to have a sister that I am very close to where neither of us give a crap about how much money they have. When our parents go cheap, our plea is "spend your money. You've saved it up all your life, spend it and relax."

If it is affordable, my suggestion would be to put your mother in a comfortable place outside of the family, but somewhere where you can visit, of course. Nursing homes aren't the places they used to be; they keep residents busy with activities and things to do making sure they get to know each other. It's a federal requirement that places like that do so; so much time per day must be dedicated to entertainment and activities. Let her be comfortable there, let her make new friends, and have someone outside of the family have power of attorney, or whatever that's called.

If that can be done. I've known a lot of people in your situation, bassman, and I do truly feel sorry for you.

[Chesapeake]

My 2 cents: I agree with dratke and Cornflake: consult a lawyer who specializes in elder issues, preferably someone fresh to the situation and with no prior agendas. From my limited knowledge, I would think one approach would be to have the court appoint a guardian ad litem whose sole concern would be what's best for your mother, and who would be answerable only to the court. Your brother and sister would be hard-pressed to oppose that, I should think.

[majorminor]

Jan 12, 2015 20:00:32 GMT -5 @pauls said:

As others have said, I'd go back to her lawyer and have re-write her will, transferring power of attorney to a trust officer found through a bank. That way, none of you all can touch her money. I'd then have a chat with your Mom about which place she wants to move into, because she is destroying your relationship with your own family. I'd tell your brother to F off after that is done, and to not call you anymore. You aren't really obligated to put up with his crap.

Gets my vote.

Best of luck - tough place to be.

[Chesapeake]

A court-appointed guardian could address all her issues, including the power-of-attorney matter.

[dradtke]

And about where your mother lives. I don't know what's available in your area, but my mother lived for a few years in an assisted living center. She had her own apartment with her own furniture but the facility took care of cleaning and cooking. We would go over for lunch or to play cards, or take her out for ice cream and a movie, or bring her over to our house, and didn't have the tension of living together. The facility was connected to a nursing home so when the time came that she needed more care it was an easy move.

[RickW]

I like consulting a lawyer, I like PaulS' suggestions very much.

I don't have the problem, as my sister sucked every nickel out of my mother decades ago. There is a certain peace to be found once the anger is old enough to be ignored.

[Cosmic Wonder]

I'm sorry for anyone who has to go through this. I think professional help from a elder care attorney would be your best bet. The family sounds broken.

Mike