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Post by Cornflake on May 5, 2007 19:44:49 GMT -5
A while ago I decided to quit posting so many songs but no one else is posting any, so here's another one.
The second time that I appeared It was quiet like before I grew up in Wichita I was black and we were poor In church I heard 'em praise my name And tell of deeds I didn’t do They quoted words I hadn’t said Here and there some parts were true
I heard a righteous man proclaim That men who slept with men were cursed I’d said to love and not to judge That man got the two reversed At a mission by the tracks They would serve us soup and bread And I’d eat mine and tell ‘em thanks They were living what I’d said
I did my preaching on the streets I got laughed at or ignored What I said was nothing new: Love your neighbor and the Lord I died hungry and alone But I’m planning to return I still love them very much I keep hoping someday they will learn
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Post by Marshall on May 6, 2007 23:24:14 GMT -5
Quite intriguing, actually.
It would be interesting to know if there's a specific person that is the subject of your song. Or is this a made up (or stitched together) character.
It would seem that you are hinting that Jesus, or the spirit of Jesus or some similar religious character, manisfests Himself more than what organized religion would say. As we know, Jesus was widley disreguarded in his time. It's interesting (and, truthfully expected), that the bulk of humanity won't recognize the Truth when it is manisfested again.
Maybe the Truth is always with us. We just can't see it with our jaded eyes.
PS - I like it. It's got me thinking already. I'm quite a fan of songs that take some time and thought to reveal themselves. And that vison can be different as filtered through the different experiences of each listener. Pealing back layers.
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Post by Cornflake on May 7, 2007 0:56:31 GMT -5
Marhsall, the narrator is Jesus in his second coming. I didn't mean for that to be cryptic so the song apparently needs work. I was thinking about what he would be like if he came back, and what he would think of what he saw, and this was the result.
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Post by Marshall on May 7, 2007 7:41:00 GMT -5
Colnfrake, I figured the Jesus thing out. It was the "slept with men" reference, (and to a much lesser extent, the "black" reference) that put it in question. But I think that's fine, if that's where you're going. "Black" is probably a great twist.
It's just that "slept with" are words that have a direct sexual connotation (in our puritanical culture). And that seems farther-out-there than I suspect you are inferring. It throws a road block (or a detour) in the association for me.
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Post by Cornflake on May 8, 2007 0:19:11 GMT -5
Marshall, I liked making the returned Jesus a poor black man who preaches on the street and gets ignored.
The line about condemning guys who sleep with guys was supposed to be a comment on Christians who bash gays and how (in my idiosyncratic view) they are not being faithful to the message. I gather that's not coming through. I have no fix in mind.
Thanks for the comments.
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Post by Marshall on May 8, 2007 7:30:25 GMT -5
OK. I probably misread the quote. I was thinking it was about that Jesus hung out with disciples, effectively sleeping with them in a non-sexual way. And I got confused. But upon reading again, I see I missed the boat.
I think it's a very valid point about judging.
"All ye have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God."
"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2007 21:34:32 GMT -5
OK, this thread's a little old - but just got here.
Cornflake, I really like the point of this song and the ways it communicates its message.
Two things I think it needs: 1. A chorus between the verses to separate them which I think will make each verse have more impact. and, 2. Change 'slept' to 'lay'. I think it's a gentler word to use in this case and doesn't beat us over the head with the gay thing quite so hard. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
I'm not much into religious music which is one reason I think why I like this one. It's 'spiritual' in nature and sort of gently points out that 'religion' is getting it wrong. Excellent points - all well made.
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Post by loopysanchez on Aug 4, 2007 20:15:48 GMT -5
Why'd he die hungry in the third verse if he just ate a big bowl of soup with bread in the second verse? Just kiddin' ya, 'Flake! Good song, all-around. I got the Jesus reference immediately, as I did the commentary on anti-gay sentiment in certain churches. You might even include a few more examples of the human church doing the judging that is supposed to be left to God & Son. If Jesus came back to earth, I don't think he'd stop at just one observation. (Not saying you have to turn it into a diatribe, but sometimes 2 or 3 good examples can make for a stronger song than using just 1 example.) Either that, or go into detail on the one example, so that it'll stick with the listener as more than a passing-point couplet. And I say all this knowing it's a helluva lot better than I could've written! (Also, thanks to Fred Gold for reviving this thread, as apparently I overlooked it when first posted.)
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Post by Cornflake on Aug 4, 2007 21:34:12 GMT -5
Fred, Don, thanks. I had abandoned this song, just because I knew that it's the kind of thing I sometimes write that my bandmates wish I wouldn't. Anything more than a voice and a guitar detracts from it, and that makes it boring for the others in my group.
Maybe it deserves not to be abandoned. I'll give some thought to your comments. I suspect Loopy is right and it's too short, a very common fault in the songs I write.
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Post by sekhmet on Sept 23, 2007 9:07:43 GMT -5
Don - I like the way you shrink from saying things out loud. Another good Don song, with your clear stamp on it. Looking forward to hearing how it comes out with the tune.
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