My first country-ish song

[Gypsy Picker]

I haven't posted in a while, so I thought I'd share lyrics to a new song with a decidedly country feel (a first for me, to my ears). I don't know if it's done or not, and as always I gratefully accept your comments and suggestions. Anyhoo...

My Last Gray Day
copyright 2007 S. Russell

I remember it was raining or maybe I was crying
You know how clouded memories fade like weathered flags
I waited at the table we agreed to meet at
Not knowing it would be you that I'd marry

I remember it was raining or maybe I was hoping
I had no reason to believe in anything anymore
You came into the cafe with your papers and your books
And all the youthful passion you could carry

I don't know why it seems
Like it all was just a dream
But I knew that I had found my soulmate
And I really don't recall
If it rained that day at all
But either way at all it was my last gray day

I remember it was raining or maybe I was smiling
You told me how we'd save the world one acre at a time
If we only planted trees and minded our recycling
And my steely heart began to fill with love

I remember it was raining or maybe I was crying
You know how clouded memories fade like tired flags
But now we have our acre and our trees are growing old
And the sun comes beaming down from above

I don't know why it seems
Like it all was just a dream
But I knew that I had found my soulmate
And I really don't recall
If it rained that day at all
But either way at all it was my last gray day

And I really can't recall
If it's rained since then at all
Cause baby all and all it was my last gray day

[Marshall]

Hhhhhhmmmm . . . , nice.

I was thinking the trees would be more important. Like maybe the trees that we planted are now fully grown giving shade and oxygen or something. And maybe allude to children that are trees, or something that makes more of a metaphor for their environmental dreams and their actual lives.

But nice.

[Gypsy Picker]

Very interesting suggestion about the children/trees metaphor... maybe something like "now we have our land and our seed has turned to fruit". I'll give that some more thought. Funny thing is, most of my songs are layered with metaphors, and I'm constantly trying to make my lyrics more accessible to the casual listener (who, unfortunately, seem to comprise most audiences).

Thank you for your thoughts, I shall give them due consideration.

[Marshall]

Casual listeners are usually better than sleeping ones.

[davidhanners]

I really like the song -- I wish I could write something this happy -- but I have to admit that the second verse kind of creeps me out because it makes me think of pedophilia. I think it's the two lines You came into the cafe with your papers and your books/And all the youthful passion you could carry. In the first verse, you set things up by talking about how you've agreed to meet at a table and I'm thinking it is one of those first-date type situations. If so, why is she bringing papers and books? If you're meeting to do homework or some kind of work together, then I think that needs to be mentioned in some way. Otherwise, I think you're hitting on some schoolgirl who is carrying around papers and books and "youthful passion."

But otherwise, I think it is a very good tune. And these comments are just one bloke's opinion.

[loopysanchez]

Very nice song, all around. I seem to recall you posting some of these lyrics before--The "Last gray day" line is one I know I've seen on here a while back. I liked it then, and I like it now.

If it were my song, one thing I'd try to do is add some more details to your description of the woman you fell in love with. All I'm getting from the song is that she was a young environmentalist. Certainly it took something more than her telling you "we can save the earth if we just recycle" to light a fire in your heart that never went out, right? So tell me what it was, because the song hooked me in and left me wanting to know!

And if you want to dodge the pedophilia concerns Hanners mentioned, you might make reference to your own youth in the song, if you were, in fact, also young when you met her.