I'll break the silence

[Cornflake]

Nobody's posting anything. Still writing? I do, constantly, but I haven't written anything recently it seemed appropriate to post.

But I will anyway. Here's the one I wrote this morning, my 30,000th song about the how I love the wilderness, inspired by my recent deer hunting trip. It's in 6/8 time.

Well the sun was a drum but the wash had some trees
I sat in the shadows enjoying the breeze
I don’t think the quail meant their calling for me
But I could still hear and pretend I was free

And the hawks soar all day
To the song that the wind and the silences play
And I know when I’m gone
The dance of the desert will go on and on

I came on a lion who didn’t see me
I watched and I thought: what a fine thing to be
He comes like a ghost, like a whisper he leaves
A thread in the fabric the emptiness weaves

And the hawks soar all day
To the song that the wind and the silences play
And I know when I’m gone
The dance of the desert will go on and on

And I spotted a rattlesnake coiled in the shade
I watched from afar and I wasn’t afraid
You’ve got to take care or he’ll strike from below
But hell it’s the same with some people I know*

And the hawks soar all day
To the song that the wind and the silences play
And I know when I’m gone
The dance of the desert will go on and on

When the moon floated up and the sun settled down
I got in my pickup and drove back to town
Some find their song in the cities of men
But mine’s in a place where the crowds haven’t been

And the hawks soar all day
To the song that the wind and the silences play
And I know when I’m gone
The dance of the desert will go on and on

* I used a somewhat similar notion in a song I wrote a decade back, but if you can't steal from yourself, who can you steal from?

[Deleted]

i really, really like this. very simple country feel to it. the one thing i'd change is the first line of the chorus ;

And the hawks soar all day

it just doesn't feel right. the idea is fine, but from a fluidity point of view, it's kind of clumsy. of course, i could well be wrong.

I came on a lion who didn’t see me
I watched and I thought: what a fine thing to be
He comes like a ghost, like a whisper he leaves
A thread in the fabric the emptiness weaves

initially i laughed. sorry. first line. but i wish i wrote the rest of it.

i happened on a lion, perhaps

very nice though.

[Deleted]

ok, so that's 2 things i'd change.

[Marshall]

I'll agree with the Irish lad. "I came on a lion who didn't see me" seems too casual and matter of fact. Nobody just "comes on a lion." The rest of the verse conveys your awe and wonder, but the opening line is pretty flat.

Maybe you (and I ) can take some lessons from our Irish poet.

[Deleted]

the reason i laughed at the 'i came on a lion' line, is because i automatically said 'did he wipe it off'. if i didn't have such a dirty mind, it would have been fine. i should have made that clearer. sorry

[Cornflake]

Actually, I did just come UPON the lion I was thinking of...walking along and there he was, unaware of me. But y'all are right about the line.

[Cornflake]

I heeded the comments and also found that this song wanted to go elsewhere. Here's a rewrite. I don't think I'm anywhere close to finished. This strikes me as one I might need to write eighteen verses for. I'd then throw away all but three or four. And the chorus still isn't quite right. It's now in 4/4 rather than 6/8.

The sun is a drum but the wash has some trees
I rest in their shadow, admiring the breeze
I don’t think the quail meant their calling for me
But I can still answer and act like I’m free

When the rest blows away
The song of the desert will continue to play
And when I’ve come and gone
The music will go on and on

David wrote some words to the song long ago
When the darkness grew cold and the fire had burned low
It’s here in the valley of the shadow of death
That we’re quiet enough to hear the planet's breath

When the rest blows away
The song of the desert will continue to play
And when I’ve come and gone
The music will go on and on

I see a diamondback coiled in the shade
I watch him from afar, just a little afraid
I’d never write such a discordant note
So I'm glad this song isn't one that I wrote

When the rest blows away
The song of the desert will continue to play
And when I’ve come and gone
The music will go on and on

Jesus and his soul spent a season alone
Listening to the sound of the echoing stone
Maybe what he heard is the song that I hear
But what's hidden from me for him was clear

When the rest blows away
The song of the desert will continue to play
And when I’ve come and gone
The music will go on and on

I see a lion who doesn’t see me
I watch him and think: what a fine thing to be
He comes like a ghost, like a whisper he goes
The keeper of a secret that the emptiness knows

When the rest blows away
The song of the desert will continue to play
And when I’ve come and gone
The music will go on and on

....

[Deleted]

this is a huge improvement. well done.

The sun is a drum but the wash has some trees
I rest in their shadow, admiring the breeze
I don’t think the quail meant their calling for me
But I can still answer and act like I’m free

this is great. i'm jealous. very well written.

David wrote some words to the song long ago
When the darkness grew cold and the fire had burned low
It’s here in the valley of the shadow of death
That we’re quiet enough to hear the planet's breath

and again. these two verses are very strong. you said you might throw away some verses.... keep these.

Jesus and his soul spent a season alone
Listening to the sound of the echoing stone
Maybe what he heard is the song that I hear
But what's hidden from me for him was clear

good, but the last line is short a syllable, to my ear anyway.

When the rest blows away
The song of the desert will continue to play
And when I’ve come and gone
The music will go on and on

i can't say i'm fond of this. the second line is way too long. but as you said, you're not finished, and the chorus isn't quite right. a hell of a lot better though. well done.

[Cornflake]

Thanks for the comments, Connington. I agree with all of them (except that where you think a syllable's missing, there's a brief, intentional rest in mid-line). I'll keep working on it.

This one's also wandering all over the place musically. It started out as a major song full of suspensions and major sevenths in 6/8. At the moment it's 4/4 and in a minor key and I'm working it out on mountain dulcimer so as to keep it simple. Dunno where it will come to rest.

[Deleted]

cornflake said:

Thanks for the comments, Connington. I agree with all of them (except that where you think a syllable's missing, there's a brief, intentional rest in mid-line). I'll keep working on it.

This one's also wandering all over the place musically. It started out as a major song full of suspensions and major sevenths in 6/8. At the moment it's 4/4 and in a minor key and I'm working it out on mountain dulcimer so as to keep it simple. Dunno where it will come to rest.

yea, it seems like it should be in 4/4. it'd probably be best. i was unaware of the brief, intentional rest in mid-line, and stand corrected. i'm sure where and when it comes to rest, you'll be happy with the finished product (for want of a better word).

[Cornflake]

Version 3, with help from Connington. Not done yet.

The sun is a drum but the wash has some trees
I rest in their shadow, admiring the breeze
I don’t think the quail meant their calling for me
But I can still answer and act like I’m free

And the light and the air
Play a song you can hear
If you're wandering there
When the rest blows away
The song of the desert will play

David wrote some words to the song long ago
When the darkness grew cold and the fire had burned low
Deep in the valley of the shadow of death
It was quiet enough to hear creation’s breath

And the light and the air
Play a song you can hear
If you're wandering there
When the rest blows away
The song of the desert will play

I see a rattlesnake coiled in the shade
I watch him from afar, just a little afraid
I’d never write such a dangerous note
Good thing the song isn’t one that I wrote

And the light and the air
Play a song you can hear
If you're wandering there
When the rest blows away
The song of the desert will play

Jesus and his soul spent a season alone
Listening to the sound of the echoing stone
He met a devil but he found his way through
I’ve heard the music they were wrestling to

And the light and the air
Play a song you can hear
If you're wandering there
When the rest blows away
The song of the desert will play

I see a lion who doesn’t see me
I watch him and think: what a fine thing to be
He comes like a ghost, like a whisper he goes
The keeper of a secret that the emptiness knows

And the light and the air
Play a song you can hear
If you're wandering there
When the rest blows away
The song of the desert will play

[Marshall]

There's something about the line; David wrote some words to the song long ago, that just seems flat. The 23rd Psalm is not just some words in a song.

I'd like to see more flowery (image filled) poetic language than that. Maybe something like:

David poured out his soul in a Psalm long ago

or

David spoke of the desert in a Psalm long ago

I suppose that was my problem with; coming on a lion. Not the fact that you actually came on a lion, but that there should be a more poetic image filled way to say it.

[Marshall]

Also: Jesus and his soul spent a season alone hits me the same way.

maybe

Jesus and his soul were left all alone. That would seem to indicate more urgency or drama than spending a seasn.

. . . . , but that's just me.

(or maybe : Jesus and his soul were there all alone. That might make it even more urgent. It sorta puts you in Jesus shoes, which is where the rest of the verse is heading.)

[Marshall]

How about: I spy a lion who doesn't yet see me.

[Deleted]

marshall said:

How about: I spy a lion who doesn't yet see me.

personally i think it should be left as is. i agree with your earlier comments regarding david and jesus, provided of course that mr cornflake wants to create a sense of urgency.

keep plugging away at it. it's improving with each draft.

[Cornflake]

Marshall, you and I usually agree, but this time the muse prefers for the lines that don't seem right to you. I don't know why. They just feel better to me. Thanks for the comments.

[Deleted]

i have one more suggestion. the only thing i would do at this point is take out the middle line of the chorus, ie, if you're wandering there. i don't think it's necessary. in saying that, i have no idea of the music behind it, and it may well work perfectly. aside from that, i would leave everything as is.

[Marshall]

Go to Hell then, you silly bastard.




. . . , OK ;D

[Marshall]

Don, I'm going to get you a disc from a local guy, Dean Milano. His songs remind me of yours in a lot of ways. His lyrics are fun, yet deep and layered with unique life revelations.

When I read some of his lyrics, the opening lines sometimes seem to lack "punch." But when I actually listen to the music, the words work fine and set things up, and ease me into some bigger concepts to follow.


So, take that you silly bastard !