Heck, here's another

[Cornflake]

Last weekend's song. It will never be played for a live human or recorded. How many songs are like that? The verses are twelve-bar blues but minor.

Well I thought you knew where the songs were hidden
But it seems the great ones eluded you
And I thought you knew you should play electric
If it isn’t trendy it can’t be true
Now you’re in a place where the words ring hollow
You insist you’re only passing through
But there’s no other place—I thought you knew

And I thought you knew why I go on talking
I’m afraid of silence so I can’t stop
And I thought you knew why I have no fame yet
I’m inclined to wait ‘til the prices drop
But enough of me, after all it’s your song
I’m just here to help your light shine through
Where do I begin? I thought you knew

You’re the one who knew every lie
That an out-of-work queen could tell
But you had a tiny flaw
You couldn’t tell them all that well

And I thought you knew every kind of passion
You said yes to everyone who asked
Then it seems your body went out of fashion
Now our hunger for it is in the past
And I thought you knew when our legs were tangled
There was more than need, there was fondness too
I never called it love ‘cause I thought you knew

[Instrumental bridge]

And I thought you knew why the priests deceive us
They have no idea what’s in the sky
And I thought you knew why our leaders fail us
They’re a lot like you and me, that’s why
And I thought you knew why the generals kill us
They don’t wish us ill, it’s just what they do
No one has a choice –I thought you knew

You said that you had to go
To spend a little time alone
You knew I was getting close
You didn’t want your cover blown

And I thought you knew I could see right through you
From your cotton blouse to your ziplock soul
I saw what the demons had done unto you
I did what I could to repair the hole
And I thought you knew we were just colliding
Kind of like the stars and the neutrons do
That’s all we’re allowed—I thought you knew

[Deleted]

i like it. some good images there. i don't know if you are already doing it, but because it has seven lines a verse, it might flow better if there is an instrumental fill in the middle of the last line, eg that's all we're allowed - fill - i thought you knew. as i said you may be doing this already.

And I thought you knew why I have no fame yet
I’m inclined to wait ‘til the prices drop

i like this a lot. very strong.

And I thought you knew every kind of passion
You said yes to everyone who asked
Then it seems your body went out of fashion
Now our hunger for it is in the past
And I thought you knew when our legs were tangled
There was more than need, there was fondness too
I never called it love ‘cause I thought you knew

this whole verse is great. certainly the strongest verse. very visually striking, especially the tangled legs. i can see myself there

And I thought you knew why the priests deceive us
They have no idea what’s in the sky
And I thought you knew why our leaders fail us
They’re a lot like you and me, that’s why
And I thought you knew why the generals kill us
They don’t wish us ill, it’s just what they do
No one has a choice –I thought you knew

again, very good, but this verse seems to stop very abruptly. i have no suggestions on how to make it better though. shrug

again the last verse is good, a strong ending to a strong song.

the four line verses, which i presume are in fact the chorus, pale in comparison. it's almost like you want to just get them out of the way. i'm not saying they're bad, just that they're not as good as the rest of the song. there are some good lines there, but i think you could flesh them out a bit more. by the way, this is just an opinion, i could very well be wrong.

also, i think you should record it. i don't see why you wouldn't.

[Cornflake]

Thanks for the comments, connington.

"it might flow better if there is an instrumental fill in the middle of the last line, eg that's all we're allowed - fill - i thought you knew. as i said you may be doing this already." You have a good ear--it's there already.

The four-liners are a bridge, which a song like this badly needs. I think you're right that they're lyrically weaker.

My central problem with the song is that it's a downer without any real cathartic effect and I can't see any reason to perform it. I wouldn't feel good singing it. An audience wouldn't feel good hearing it. I still appreciate your comments.

[Deleted]

some of the greatest songs in the world are "downers". that wouldn't put me off. but that's up to you.

[sekhmet]

Flake, this is a terrific song. Although I understand what you are saying, not all puzzles have an exit, and not all situations are resolvable, as you know of course, and I think there is value in the puzzle as well as the solution. No?

[Cornflake]

For some, Kate, maybe. There's a better, revised version of this one. I don't expect to play that version, either. I decided a while back that I want to make people's lives better with my music. If I don't think a song will do that, then whatever virtues it may otherwise possess, I don't want to play it.

So why did I post it? I can't recall, except this area was awfully quiet at the time.

Thanks for the kind words and I'm sorry if I sound ungrateful.

[sekhmet]

Not at all Flake.

I do take your point and certainly I have problems with some songs myself, especially those that I label as "poor me" diatribes.

I have renamed some performance art as "aberration of personality looking for funding" ... I grown cynical on occasion.

What does this have to do with your song? Nothing. Just typing.