bqpd ; a song

[Deleted]

i've been writing a lot of late and this is one that isn't quite complete to my mind. its a gloomy folky piece, using mainly fingerpicked diminished, suspended and minor chords, with a very minor feel. a lot of it doesn't rhyme, i know, but it works because of the slow pace of the vocal. any suggestions? anyway, here goes.......

"bqpd"

Superstition hangs in boding
Guards the road with morning crows
Esoteric mystic chanting
Minds eye apprehension grows
Questions asked with answers pending
Sweat slips heavy from knotted brows
Mist enshrouds this souls salvation
Entombs this fantasists strangled yell

And I am a child growing, smiling
Holding on forever
And I am an old man dying, lackluster
Eyes the chasm looming
Chimney smoke that’s gently wafting
Stretched transparent on winter winds

Obscured scenarios in clouded visions
Nothing moves but time and space
Ribbons of a hue cascading
From depths extenuation sings
Always holding on for something
I’m centre of the universe
Through fingers clenched in desperate trembling
A life of substance disappears

And I am your future dawning, smiling
Holding on forever
And I am an enigma forming, lackluster
Eyes the road that bends
Spoken words of velvet guile
Stretched transparent on winter winds

Coalescence thought and matter
On the road that never ends
Wholly tired now standing weakly
Framed in belief I can’t defend

[davidhanners]

I'll preface this with my standard preface in such things: What follows is just one guy's opinions and should be taken or left as desired. Songwriting is an individual art and is relatively subjective; what's right for you may not be right for me, and vice versa. So here goes....

Songwriting is about storytelling, and storytelling is about using words and using them wisely. It's about picking the right word in the right spot. Certain words evoke certain thoughts, and as a songwriter, it is your job to make sure those thoughts flow fairly freely and logically, and that the words don't trip up the listener. If the listener has to stop and think about a word, you're in trouble. If the listener has to stop and think about the context of several words, you're in even bigger trouble.

To that end, there are a bunch of words used in this song that are problematic, in my opinion, from a storytelling standpoint. They may work as poetry, but I'm not sure they work in this as a song. The words include:

Boding
Esoteric
Apprehension
Fantasists
Lackluster
Scenarios
"Ribbons of hue cascading"
Extenuatioin
Enigma
Coalesence

Using one or two of those words in a song is something I could live with, because you do have some really good phrases elsewhere in the song. But loading the song up with that many words is just too darn artsy. Not that I'm against "artsy," mind you, but when "artsy" gets in the way of storytelling, it's trouble.

That said, there are parts of the song I like. This verse is a good one, with a qualifier:

And I am a child growing, smiling
Holding on forever
And I am an old man dying, lackluster
Eyes the chasm looming
Chimney smoke that’s gently wafting
Stretched transparent on winter winds

The qualifier involves the words "lackluster" and "eyes." The child in the first line is "growing, smiling," and the old man is "dying, lackluster." If the child is smiling, then why not play off that and tell us about the facial expression of the old man? As for "eyes," I think what you're meaning here is the person is looking or staring or gazing or whatever at "the road that bends." When you say he "eyes" it, the listener hears the word "eyes" and thinks of "eyeballs," not of looking at something. Granted, the rest of the line puts the "eyes" in context, but songwriting is often about picking the right word that doesn't make the listener work so hard.

The lines Chimney smoke that’s gently wafting/Stretched transparent on winter winds falls into the category of "Lines I Wish I'd Written," but I'd take out the word "that's" and just say "Chimney smoke gently wafting...." although now that I think of it, "wafting" is a word that I have a bit of trouble with in a song as well. Maybe "rising" would work.

Don't be afraid to use simple words.

Again, all this is just one guy's opinion, and can be taken as gospel or wadded up and thrown away.....

[Deleted]

thanks. i appreciate the crit. i'll try to rework with with your points in mind.

[Deleted]

tried hard to rework this and i give up. can't do it. thanks anyway, but this one's best forgotten i should think