New tune: "Uniontown"

[Deleted]

Decided to use my knowledge from years spent mining coal in Pennsylvania* as fodder for a song, so here's "Uniontown."

It actually is a complete overhaul/rewrite of an older tune. The only remnant of the original is the title. I pulled the original out Monday and and started playing around with it. This is the 16th rewrite, and I'm satisfied with it. I think. Clocks in at exactly 100 words.

I've tried it fingerstyle, as here, and strumming. Each style has its pluses and minuses. Not sure what I'll settle on.



* I've never been in a working coal mine, let alone worked in one. I have, however, been to Pennsylvania three times.

[Marshall]

Nice. It's hard to make out the lyrics. But it sounds very good.

Would you consider capoing it up a fret or two? When you finish some phrases down low, it seems out of your comfort zone.

I'm not sure what the whole 100 word thing is. Seems like a silly and arbitrary contrivance. Though it's a worthwhile thing to be brief and concise. It seems to work here.

[Deleted]

Dec 10, 2020 9:56:57 GMT -5 Marshall said:

Nice. It's hard to make out the lyrics. But it sounds very good.

Would you consider capoing it up a fret or two? When you finish some phrases down low, it seems out of your comfort zone.

I'm not sure what the whole 100 word thing is. Seems like a silly and arbitrary contrivance. Though it's a worthwhile thing to be brief and concise. It seems to work here.

The "100-word thing" is indeed silly and arbitrary, but it is meant to be. Arbitrary, anyway. But that brings us to the question, "What words would you add? It is a tool meant to focus editing. If I'd come up with a version I loved that was 105 words, or 95, I'd use it in a heartbeat. It is an editing exercise. Editing a song from 200 to 150 words is easy. Editing a song from 152 words to 150 is hard.

I might try capoing it up, but I'm using a partial capo. I fear a guy like me using multiple capos on one song looks odd.

Here are the lyrics:

Uniontown
© 2020 by David Hanners

Coke ovens used to glow
Fairchance to Latrobe
More ghosts than you can count
‘Neath scarred and sacred ground
In Uniontown

Men of this town worked
The Nine Foot of the Pittsburgh
Patch homes for their wives
Lining streets where dreams died
In Uniontown

UMWA, for all it's got
Cannot bargain with God
Not sure we understood
When coal’s gone, its gone for good
In Uniontown

When I die, if you will
Spare my bones from these hills
Spread my ashes on Redstone Creek
Let them float to the sea
Far from Uniontown
This scarred and sacred ground
In Uniontown

[majorminor]

That's a nice tune David. I like the chord change at "scarred" - it's almost like it's in between places you might expect a chord change so it catches you off guard a little. The song is otherwise a little "droney" maybe. I think you need to work up a little simple 1 or 2 measure walking bass line treble lick fill and sprinkle that around in a few spots. I would try to maybe find one spot where the vocal melody hits a higher register as a point of emphasis. I like the flat picking pulse the way it is.

[Deleted]

Dec 10, 2020 11:22:50 GMT -5 majorminor said:

That's a nice tune David. I like the chord change at "scarred" - it's almost like it's in between places you might expect a chord change so it catches you off guard a little. The song is otherwise a little "droney" maybe. I think you need to work up a little simple 1 or 2 measure walking bass line treble lick fill and sprinkle that around in a few spots. I would try to maybe find one spot where the vocal melody hits a higher register as a point of emphasis. I like the flat picking pulse the way it is.

Thanks. You have a point, and I need to come up with some sort of way to mix things up a bit; Marshall's advice to raise the pitch may be a partial path to that.

If I could figure out some chorus that added to the song, I'd use it. I just haven't figured anything that does the job a chorus is supposed to do. I'd given some thought to briefly getting political in the chorus; Trump promised these folks that coal was coming back, even though anyone with some sense knew it wasn't. In fact, even though Trump made a big show of easing environmental restrictions to make mining "easier," more coal companies went bankrupt and more coal miners lost their jobs during Trump's single term than during Obama's two terms. Despite that, Trump got 66 percent of the vote in Fayette County.

Then I decided to keep politics out of it.

I should note that the coal mined in that region is part of the Pittsburgh Seam, and it is nine feet thick in most areas so it was referred to as "the Nine Foot." 

[majorminor]

Could be a simple vocal line like say "remember when" repeated twice with the "when" ending on a different melody note followed by a 1 measure guitar lick to turn back around to the next verse. You do that in between the verses and throw in a few measures of rhythm solo solo you might not need a traditional chorus.

[theevan]

I think it's a great lyric. Ending each verse with "In Uniontown" reminds me of Pettis' idyllic "Moontown".

[Deleted]

Dec 10, 2020 13:15:17 GMT -5 theevan said:

I think it's a great lyric. Ending each verse with "In Uniontown" reminds me of Pettis' idyllic "Moontown".

Thanks. I was trying (not too successfully) to channel some Springsteen. Or Tom Russell.

[epaul]

The song doesn't need a chorus. The melody is a somber drone and that fits. The simple repetitive chords and picking pattern set up the nice subtle chord shift that occurs during the "scared and sacred ground line". It's a simple shift that would not be noted and appreciated the same if it had to compete with flourishes and complexity... a simple tea ceremony focused on a single spoon and cup rather than a banquet hall with plates bowls of heaping food galore. The song is as it should be. Don't stick in anything that doesn't fit

My only problem with the song was I had trouble understanding the lyrics, which is pretty important in a song like this. Particularly the first two lines, I did not understand a single word, even with repeated listening's. And when I start out lost, I stay lost. As do many listeners.

Two suggestions:


#1. Be aware that listeners are having trouble understanding the lyrics. Pay more attention to your articulation, think about the start and finish sound of each word, especially the finish sound, the end sound. It is easy to get caught up in those great vowel sounds, but without a clean, crisp, end sound, those vowels just form mush instead of language. Example, listen to how you sound the word "ovens" in the first verse. There is no way to know what that word is if the "n" the "s" sounds are left out.

#2. This part is tricky. I bring it up only as food for thought, not a criticism (#1 was a criticism. Articulate, damnit! If the lyrics matter, they have to be understood.) But, articulation aside, an issue I had was the first verse, by ear alone, did not "set the stage" for me. There were too many unfamiliar terms and words. "Coke ovens used to glow fair chance to latrobe" confused my ear. especially when I couldn't make out "ovens". Reading it makes sense, but I wasn't prepared to process those words by ear along. Coke ovens didn't register as anything. I heard Coke, didn't hear oven, and not knowing there were towns named Fairchance and Latrobe, my brain registered "Coke glowed fair chance Latrobe" and it was just a jumble of unfamiliar words with no context.

If I had heard "Coke ovens used to glow from Fairchance to Latrobe." I could have processed it. Unfamiliar terms, words, places muddy what should be a clear introduction to the song. Articulating "ovens: and inserting "from" before the place names which will identify them as places (and not fair chance latrobe?) will fix the song for me.

More radical surgery, I would consider a clearer, more easily processed in a first hearing introduction to the song that clearly sets the stage, the men and coal mines of Uniontown. Perhaps...

Men worked the mines of Uniontown
Deep in the earth the coal was found
More ghosts than you can count
‘Neath scarred and sacred ground
In Uniontown

[amanajoe]

I've been down the coal mine in the middle of the museum of science and industry, does that count?

I do have interesting union stories I could tell though.

[Deleted]

Dec 10, 2020 14:30:55 GMT -5 epaul said:

The song doesn't need a chorus. The melody is a somber drone and that fits. The simple repetitive chords and picking pattern set up the nice subtle chord shift that occurs during the "scared and sacred ground line". It's a simple shift that would not be noted and appreciated the same if it had to compete with flourishes and complexity... a simple tea ceremony focused on a single spoon and cup rather than a banquet hall with plates bowls of heaping food galore. The song is as it should be. Don't stick in anything that doesn't fit

My only problem with the song was I had trouble understanding the lyrics, which is pretty important in a song like this. Particularly the first two lines, I did not understand a single word, even with repeated listening'ss. And when I start out lost, I stay lost. As do many listeners.

Two suggestions:


#1. Be aware that listeners are having trouble understanding the lyrics. Pay more attention to your articulation, think about the start and finish
sound of each word, especially the finish sound, the end sound. It is easy to get caught up in those great vowel sounds, but without a clean, crisp, end sound, those vowels just form mush instead of language. Example, listen to how you sound the word "ovens" in the first verse. There is no way to know what that word is if the "n" the "s" sounds are left out.

#2. This part is tricky. I bring it up only as food for thought, not a criticism (#1 was a criticism. Articulate, damnit! If the lyrics matter, they have to be understood.) But, articulation aside, an issue I had was the first verse, by ear alone, did not "set the stage" for me. There were too many unfamiliar terms and words. "Coke ovens used to glow Fairchance to Latrobe" confused my ear. Reading it makes sense, but I wasn't prepared to process those words by ear along. Coke ovens didn't register as anything. I heard Coke, didn't hear oven, and not knowing there were towns named Fairchance and Latrobe, my brain registered "Coke glowed Fairchance Latrobe" and it was just a jumble of unfamiliar words with no context.

If I had heard "Coke ovens used to glow from Fairchance to Latrobe." I could have processed it. Unfamiliar terms, words, places muddy what should be a clear introduction to the song. Articulating "ovens: and inserting "from" before the place names (to identify them as places) will fix the song for me.

More radical surgery, I would consider a clearer, more easily processed in a first hearing introduction to the song that clearly sets the stage, the men and coal mines of Uniontown. Perhaps...

Men worked the mines of Uniontown
Deep in the earth the coal was found
More ghosts than you can count
‘Neath scarred and sacred ground
In Uniontown

Thank you for that. I truly appreciate it and it is a ton of food for thought.

One of my earlier drafts had a first verse of:

If you go by road
From Fairchance to Latrobe
All you're gonna see
Is where coal used to be
In Uniontown

Then I read some stuff online about the beehive Coke ovens, and how they'd glow at night and I thought that was a good visual. And it also led me to the line about "scarred and sacred ground." I liked the line so much I repeated it in the last verse. The question then becomes whether the line has more impact coming only at the end. It may.

The Connellsville coal field runs from Fairchance (just south, actually) up to Latrobe, which is where they brewed my favorite beer when I drank beer. My thinking is it gives the song a sense of place, but heck, my title is "Uniontown" and if that doesn't give it a sense of place, nothing will.

A lot of stuff to digest, and I appreciate your thoughts.

[Marshall]

Dec 10, 2020 13:15:17 GMT -5 theevan said:

I think it's a great lyric. Ending each verse with "In Uniontown" reminds me of Pettis' idyllic "Moontown".

Or Petula Clark's Downtown.

[epaul]

I get the glowing coke ovens, and it means something to me, (when I read it) it visualizes the life and energy that used to energize the region, light the sky, but is now gone. But what do the words "coke ovens" now mean to most listeners, especially when they pop out with no context at the beginning of a song? Either nothing or something that sidetracks them.

Coal mines? Bamn! Instant context and song placement. Gets the song moving in the right direction right of the bat.

Coke ovens? For some, no context, for others, the wrong contest. A wasted step.

(bear in mind, I am playing critic here and am belaboring a minor point.)

[Deleted]

Dec 10, 2020 15:55:02 GMT -5 epaul said:

I get the glowing coke ovens, and it means something to me, (when I read it) it visualizes the life and energy that used to energize the region, light the sky, but is now gone. But what do the words "coke ovens" now mean to most listeners, especially when they pop out with no context at the beginning of a song? Either nothing or something that sidetracks them.

Coal mines? Bamn! Instant context and song placement. Gets the song moving in the right direction right of the bat.

Coke ovens? For some, no context, for others, the wrong contest. A wasted step.

(bear in mind, I am playing critic here and am belaboring a minor point.)

When it comes to trying to write a song, there are no minor points. Even a nickel left on the tracks can derail a train. (Or so my parents told me. But now that I think of it, I don't know of any trains derailed by nickels....)

You're right in that most listeners will probably have no idea what a coke oven is. It may be a strong visual, but I have to weigh whether the confusion it may cause is worth the visual it evokes.

[Marshall]

[dradtke]

Dec 10, 2020 14:59:51 GMT -5 amanajoe said:

I've been down the coal mine in the middle of the museum of science and industry, does that count?

I do have interesting union stories I could tell though.

My first introduction to special effects. You're going down on that elevator for a long time, you must be really deep underground. Then at the end of the tour you walk out into the basement. You only went down one floor! Amazing!

[dradtke]

Dec 10, 2020 16:04:41 GMT -5 @dhanners55 said:

Even a nickel left on the tracks can derail a train. (Or so my parents told me. But now that I think of it, I don't know of any trains derailed by nickels....)

If they do, nickels must be thicker and harder than pennies, 'cause I've flattened plenty of those. Couldn't afford to waste nickels.

[Marshall]

I did not feel the need for a chorus.

I'm just sayin'

[John B]

I like it, and also agree with many of the comments above - you don't have to enunciate like "Moses Supposes," but a little more clarity would be good. I also liked the chord movements on "‘Neath scarred and sacred ground."

So what is a patch home?

[epaul]

I love the fingerpicking. It fits, it's perfect. The song, the melody, the feel, turned into a ear worm kind of deal. I made a quick trip up to the farm and that song came along with me.