crosses of gold.

[Deleted]

here goes

*************

crosses of gold

preach to us father, of logic and word
open us a future unknowingly deferred
a random tirade by a superior fool
for the future of deception, let us be fuel

"credibility has all but vanished!" he cries
with a scroll in his hand and a gleam in his eyes
clenched fists of iron and welcoming arms
the fire of lucre offers limitless charms

condemn our youth, yet offer us wings
live the word of the future, follow don't think
follow my children, no stop to decay
meaning for money, frauds protégé

cheated, stolen, battered, deceived
surely you're wrong, confused and naive
be my own judas, create the mold
to smelt works of art into crosses of gold.

**************

anyone have any ideas on how to improve it?

[davidhanners]

I think this one is very good, and I think it shows a much higher level of craftsmanship than the other two tunes I commented on. The imagery is good and strong -- there are still a couple of words I'd quibble with here and there -- but I think it is pretty darn good.

What exactly is it that you think needs improvement?

The only "improvement" I could think of (and "improvement" is a relative term here, because I think the song is pretty good as-is) would be to either add a chorus, or figure out a way to end each verse -- or every other verse -- with lines that end with "crosses of gold." That would require a fair amount of re-writing, but it would really get your point across, I believe.

[Deleted]

i thought about that, but felt that it might seem a bit too close to stings fields of gold. so i decided against it.

i don't know if anything needs improving, i just put it out there to see if anyone else thought otherwise.

thanks for the input. as always, it's greatly appreciated

[Marshall]

Wordy fellow, aren't you ?

You certainly relish in poetic language. Sometimes in the other tunes I find myself tripping over the verbocity. I get wrapped up in the language and lose the story line. But this one is more direct and easy to follow.

"credibility has all but vanished!" he cries; seems a bit strange when i read it, though. But you do keep a strong meter in your lyrics, and it seems to fit.

The fist lines:
preach to us father, of logic and word
open us a future unknowingly deferred
flow great until I hit "unknowlingly deferred." That just seems kind of anticlimatic. I guess I was wanting some resolution not another question. Same for "let us be fuel." I'm looking for a conclusion to a phrase, but instead I have a tendency to go, "Huh ?"

But there is a lovely use of language in general. Some nice melody and music could smooth over everything for me.

You certainly have a different song writing approach than us songwriter wannabes on this side of the pond. Must be a poetic Irish sensitivity.

[Deleted]

thanks for reading it and getting back to me.

Must be a poetic Irish sensitivity.

bono is my main influence.