the bright and shining isle

[Deleted]

here's an idea i've been playing with for some time now, and finally put it in writing, so to speak. the last verse is pretty weak, i think, and i'd like to change it. i could have gone on, but felt i needed to end soon, and that's what i came up with. so, without further ado,


The Bright and Shining Isle

***********

An isle, a bright and shining isle
stands forever, alone in the sea
Of rock and sand and grass and shale,
the isle bereft of trees.

- Small. A speck in the wide blue sea.
'Tis the last of all the land.
A dweller upon our lonesome isle,
the last, lonely man? -

By the Gods he is there to never leave,
to remain there all his life.
His punishment for ever more,
to attend the eternal light.

The lighthouse, tall and brilliant white,
which stands at the end of the world.
Protecting ships and sailors too,
from rock they could be hurled

Yet nothing comes and nothing goes
except the bright blue sea.
Which stretches near and far away,
't is all our man can see.

Though, one day, up high on rock,
a bird did perch and cry.
An albatross, he shot a glance,
and wondered deeply, why?

Could it be a watcher sent?
A curse sent from the Gods,
who sits and cries and stares at him,
the life that they have robbed.

Each year it watches over him,
the creature from above.
Not a curse but a reminder of
the woman that he loved.

Time and again, Orion's light
filled our man with joy.
Within the belt, he'd see his love,
remembering her voice -

The twinkle from the stars above
bled peace into his heart
As long as she looks down on him
he knows they'll never part

One day good, one day bad
The madness, heat, and sun,
Out to sea, he spies a land.
The land where he is from.

Cliffs of white and trees of green
Children run and play,
'My home land' he cries and weeps,
why so far away?

Eyes sore and red and filled with tears,
he runs towards the sea.
To risk his life, a worthy cause,
for home he wished to be.

Into the ocean, deep and blue,
the waters wash him clean.
Awake. He screams. Cold with sweat.
And home was just a dream.

- Such is life upon the isle,
of torment and of woe.
One day good. One day bad.
And some days, even hope.

The light at the end of the world
burns bright for mile and mile
Yet tends the man, its golden glow,
in misery all the while?

For fifty years he stands and waits,
atop the light, alone.
Looking down upon his isle
the Gods have made his home -

The watcher at the end of the world
through misery does defile.
Remembers back to that single night
and allows a tiny smile.

(His sacrifice was not so great,
he insists upon the world.
Again he would pay this same price
for one moment with the girl)

Her hair, long and black it shone,
The bright beauty of her eyes,
Snow white skin and warm embrace,
her memory never dies.

'Twas years ago, he remembers clear
the life they once did live.
Endless love and lust for life,
they promised each would give.

Alas, such love and laughter too,
was short as panting breath
For one dark night, her soul was kissed
by the cold, vile lips of death.

(Agony, like none before,
was suffered by our man.)
who tends the light now burning bright
on the very last of land.

(Anger raged and misery too
like nothing ever before.)
He cursed the Gods and man and life,
and at his heart he tore.

- A deity felt sympathy
and threw our man a light
'Your woman you may see again,
for just one single night. -

But think hard and well my friend,
there is a price to pay:
tending the light at the end of the world
is where you must remain.

Away from man and life and love.
Alone you will be.
On a bright and shining isle
in the middle of the sea.'

- 'I'll tend the light, for one more night
with the woman whom I love',
screamed the man, with tearful eyes,
to the deity above.

And so it was that very night
his lover did return.
To his arms and to their bed,
together they did turn.

In deepest love and lust and passion
entwined they did fall.
Lost within each other's arms
they danced in lover's ball. -

- Long was the night filled with love.
For them the world was done.
Awoke he did to brightest light,
his woman she had gone.

To his feet he leapt. To the sea he looked.
To the lighthouse on the stone.
The price is paid and from now on
he lives forever alone.

Fifty years have passed since then
and not a soul he's seen.
but his woman lives with him yet still
in every single dream.

'Tis sad to hear how love has died
to know, alone, someone has cried.
but memories are ours to keep.
To live them again, in our sleep.

[Cornflake]

Connington, it's a good story, told well. Despite your qualms, I like the last verse. Your approach to language is more poetic than I feel entirely comfortable with but that's a matter of taste, and perhaps even reflects the difference between Irish and American English.

I can't imagine performing a song this long. I can't imagine performing a song half that long unless there was some way to introduce a lot of variations. Maybe you can get away with it. If the song were mine, I'd look for ways to compress the story into a third of its current length somehow, because I can't pull off a song that long. Maybe you can.

[davidhanners]

My standard disclaimer in such things: The comments that follow are just one hack's opinion and can be taken or left as desired.

I wouldn't worry about the last verse being weak because, frankly, I'd be surprised if any listener stayed with the song until the last verse. My stars and garters -- this thing is 34 verses long. That's not just too long, it's way too long.

I read a verse in a relatively normal pace and it took 10 seconds. At 34 verses, that works out to a song that is more than five and a half minutes long -- and that's if you do one verse right after the other, with no rests anywhere. Throw in some breaks to catch your breath or breaks for instrumentals just to give the listener some respite and the song easily goes twice that long.

Mind you, I'm aware that some stories are long tales and take awhile to tell. Especially historical stories. But one of your jobs, as a storyteller/songwriter, is to decide what is really[/b] important about a yarn and tell it, and then leave the rest out. A song this long will alienate any audience you sing it to, even if the audience is made up of your relatives who love you and are obligated to listen to you.

Look at song length in the same way you'd look at a conversation. If you were talking to someone and they suddenly launched, uninterrupted, into a story that lasted this long, you'd start wondering if they had a personality disorder of some sort because you'd certainly be convinced that they like to hear the sound of their own voice.

A big part of being a songwriter is editing. This one needs to be edited mercilessly. There are great sea shanties that tell epic stories that are one-quarter the length of this tune. I know you can do it. You may like what you've written -- most writers do -- but you also have to realize there's a bigger end you're serving, and that is storytelling and communication -- and a song this long is counterproductive to that end. So take a stiff drink, (if you're old enough, of course) and sit down with the lyrics and go edit.

[Deleted]

i've taken your points into consideration, and so......

The Bright and Shining Isle
(take 2)
***********

An isle, a bright and shining isle
stands forever, alone in the sea
Of rock and sand and grass and shale,
the isle bereft of trees.
- Small. A speck in the wide blue sea.
'Tis the last of all the land.
A dweller upon our lonesome isle,
the last, lonely man? -

By the Gods he is there to never leave,
to remain there all his life.
His punishment for ever more,
to attend the eternal light.
The lighthouse, tall and brilliant white,
which stands at the end of the world.
Protecting ships and sailors too,
from rock they could be hurled

Yet nothing comes and nothing goes
except the bright blue sea.
Which stretches near and far away,
't is all our man can see.
Time and again, Orion's light
filled our man with joy.
Within the belt, he'd see his love,
remembering her voice -

The twinkle from the stars above
bled peace into his heart
As long as she looks down on him
he knows they'll never part
For fifty years he stands and waits,
atop the light, alone.
Looking down upon his isle
the Gods have made his home -

(His sacrifice was not so great,
he insists upon the world.
Again he would pay this same price
for one moment with the girl)
Her hair, long and black it shone,
The bright beauty of her eyes,
Snow white skin and warm embrace,
her memory never dies.

'Twas years ago, he remembers clear
the life they once did live.
Endless love and lust for life,
they promised each would give.
Alas, such love and laughter too,
was short as panting breath
For one dark night, her soul was kissed
by the cold, vile lips of death.

(Anger raged and misery too
like nothing ever before.)
He cursed the Gods and man and life,
and at his heart he tore.
- A deity felt sympathy
and threw our man a light
'Your woman you may see again,
for just one single night. -

But think hard and well my friend,
there is a price to pay:
tending the light at the end of the world
is where you must remain.
- 'I'll tend the light, for one more night
with the woman whom I love',
screamed the man, with tearful eyes,
to the deity above.

And so it was that very night
his lover did return.
To his arms and to their bed,
together they did turn.
In deepest love and lust and passion
entwined they did fall.
Lost within each other's arms
they danced in lover's ball. -

- Long was the night filled with love.
For them the world was done.
Awoke he did to brightest light,
his woman she had gone.
To his feet he leapt. To the sea he looked.
To the lighthouse on the stone.
The price is paid and from now on
he lives forever alone.

Fifty years have passed since then
and not a soul he's seen.
but his woman lives with him yet still
in every single dream.
'Tis sad to hear how love has died
to know, alone, someone has cried.
but memories are ours to keep.
To live them again, in our sleep.

*************

it was pretty hard to edit this, given that most of the verses i took out were, in my mind, as important as any left in.

i'm quite old enough for a stiff drink also, by to way.

[Cornflake]

You're a mighty quick editor.

The editing improved it greatly. I don't think anything critical got edited out. The story still comes across in the abbreviated version and it's a good story.

This line jars to me: "from rock they could be hurled." My brain keeps wanting to add a preposition. You might opt for an imperfect rhyme if need be that still makes the point.

It's still a long song. I'm reminded of the one time we performed Barbara Allen, which I really love. I edited it into as few verses as were absolutely essential. When we played it, it still seemed like the musical equivalent of eternal life. We never played it again. Even though I like your story, I think you'll have a challenge adding enough variation musically to keep people's attention.

[Deleted]

maybe. but i think if it was edited any more, it'd lose something important. i reckon i could fit it into five minutes of music. thats not too long, i don't think