a solitary walk

[Deleted]

i took your advice and kept this one simple. i don't particularly like it, yet. suggestions, as ever, would be appreciated.


*****

"A Solitary Walk"

["Let us permit Nature to have her way; she understands her business better than we do." - M. de Montaigne]

They're standing there for ages,
as if they are a solemn hedge,
the trees like silent watchers,
silent in their pledge.

They mourn the loss of summer,
aware of the coming rain,
they seem to know what is at hand,
autumn's here again.

Their wilderness seems loveless,
if only they could wail,
if only they could somehow
ease the burden of their tale.

One by one, they let go their leaves,
it seems it's so much more...
as if they bend their roots in prayer
on the forest's floor.

A leaf falls on my shoulder,
I search the treetops for a trace.
I see the sweeping branches,
feel the wind over my face.

Finally the sky cracks open,
rain yearns to be free.
A sigh slips from the rustling trees,
I know they understand me.

[Cornflake]

This is the kind of thing I would ordinarily dislike, but somehow I like it. I'm very resistant to anthropomorphizing nature the way you do. I don't think that trees mourn or that rain years to be free. I don't usually care for song lyrics that sound like poems. There's nonetheless a power in what you wrote that overcomes my resistance. Well, mostly.

I don't have much to offer in the way of suggestions but "rain yearns to be free" was the one place where I immediately thought you hit a false note, and I continued to feel that way on each rereading.

[Marshall]

Well. I don't agree on the Anthropowhateverizing.

I like giving inanimate objects animal traits. I've been know to yell at and punish cabinet doors that bang on my head when I'm not looking.

[Deleted]

marshall said:

Well. I don't agree on the Anthropowhateverizing.

I like giving inanimate objects animal traits. I've been know to yell at and punish cabinet doors that bang on my head when I'm not looking.

i feel that. i do tend to give inanimate objects emotions and stuff.
i agree with the whole rain yearns to be free thing cornflake. think i'll change it to rain trickles free. or flows or something.

[Deleted]

a few small changes for the purposes of flow, and a little bit of tidying up. a solitary walk, version 2.0

*****

"A Solitary Walk"

["Let us permit Nature to have her way; she understands her business better than we do." - M. de Montaigne]

They're standing there for ages,
as if they’re a solemn hedge,
the trees like silent watchers,
silent in their pledge.

They mourn the loss of summer,
aware of coming rain,
they seem to know what is at hand,
autumn's here again.

Their wilderness seems loveless,
if only they could wail,
if only they could somehow
ease the burden of their tale.

One by one, they’ll drop their leaves,
it seems it's so much more...
as if they bend their roots in prayer
upon the forest's floor.

A leaf falls on my shoulder,
I search the treetops for a trace.
I see the sweeping branches,
feel the wind over my face.

Finally the sky cracks open,
raindrops trickle free.
A sigh slips from the rustling trees,
I know they’re watching me.