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Post by Cornflake on Feb 23, 2008 21:28:30 GMT -5
I think there may be a good song here but I don't think I have it yet. Any feedback would be appreciated. I know it's wordy.
History books are fond of war Peace has nothing much to say We live in a quiet time Though it may not seem that way I’m descended from a man Who figured in a battle plan And found his way into a tale That found its way to me
On a farm beside the hills He grew tall and took a wife He learned the rhythm of the fields A daughter’s laugh lit up his life Til one day the war began His country needed every man Not a single eye was dry As he said farewell
And I’ve seen the grasses sway Where the dead and dying lay Those who mourned have passed away There's just the wind and me
History says the fight was hard Underneath that tepid phrase Were bodies ripped by cannon shot And screams amid the drifting haze All the widows mourned the dead And mothers wept as preachers said The sacrifice was not in vain The living need their lies
And I’ve seen the grasses sway Where the dead and dying lay Those who mourned have passed away There's just the wind and me
Life goes on and time goes by The generations dimly passed The story all the children heard Made its way to me at last Death of course is nothing new But something there is shining through He said yes when he was called That's the part I hear
And I’ve seen the grasses sway Where the dead and dying lay Those who mourned have passed away There's just the wind and me
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 26, 2008 10:07:44 GMT -5
i very much like it. let me get back to with a few suggestions. i'll print it out, if you don't mind, and make changes the old fashioned way, with a pen.
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Post by Marshall on Mar 9, 2008 9:10:20 GMT -5
The first verse seems kind of flat to me. On first read it seems too talkie.
I like the second verse much better. It jumps right into a story. It seems to engage the listener. It draws us in. Let the listener discover what it's about as the story unfolds.
I'd can the first verse and i think you've got a very nice lyric.
(Maybe you could use the gyst of the first verse as a spoken intro to the song)
But what do i know ?
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