My yearly vacation tune

[Marshall]

There seems to be something about being on vacation that gives me the time to dilly dally around with music. I always bring along my Ovation Trekker travel guitar. I bring it for general relaxation. But it seems I almost always pick some tuning and capo setting that's different and noodle around till I find something. And the last 3 years, when I do, I just latch on to that musical phrase and beat and bash it on the forge of joyful playing until it forms itself fully into a melody chord pattern. I don't play anything else for the entire week.

This year was no exception. I've got a nice tune in DADGAD capo 4 that really has come together nicely (for me).

But the problem in this writing style is that a lyrical idea rarely comes along for the ride. There's generally a lyric line that gets me started on the melody. I liken it to Paul McCartney's line "Scrambled eggs" which eventually morphed into "Yesterday."

Anyrate. The only lines I started with are:

You say
We're through
I Can't believe
That's true

That would seem to be be a simple break-up song. But I'm thinking of keeping that, but letting it morph into a story about man and mother nature. Like, the first verse you think it's a guy-girl thing. Maybe he philanders around. Then later on you realize it's mankind abusing the earth.

So that's it for now. Musically there will be 3 verses and a bridge. each verse resolves itself musically with a final line refrain that doesn't need (or allow) a chorus.

[Cornflake]

I like your idea for a lyric, Marshall. It can be quite effective to mislead the listener as to what a song is about at the outset and eventually have them get it.

Robbie Robertson once remarked that he'd played the music to "The Night They Drove Old Dixie" down for months before he had any idea what the lyrics should be. My experience, alas, is that when I start with music, I almost never wind up with lyrics that I can get behind, but there have been a handful that worked.

[Marshall]

First verse is probably:

You say
We’re through
I can’t,
Believe you

We’ve been through all this so many times before
I know,
You’ll take me back once more

I've got some ideas for the other stuff. I think I want the second verse to be more of a zinger. It should be the one where the listener starts to question just what the heck this is all about.

[Fingerplucked]

We’ve been through all this so many times before
I know,
You’ll take me back once more

I'm not too sure how much leeway you have, but how about:

We’ve been through all this so many times before
I've abused you, but
You’ll take me back once more

[Marshall]

Not bad, Jim. It might fit. I'm not sure I want to be abusive in the first verse. But that's the general direction I'm heading.

It's the old sylable thing. This tune has some room to mess with sylables. You might be able to surmise by the spacing of lines, that there's a lot of musical/instrumental space between vocal lines. There's really a counter guitar melody line that is played between each of the vocal lines. In fact the guitar part is probably more dominent. The vocal is almost a response to the guitar.

All thoughts are welcome.

[Marshall]

This one's been on hold. Of course everything has with this flu.

But I need a story line to follow. I'm not good at inventing them. I may use a breakup of a sister-in-law and brother-in-law as a metaphoric story line. Or I'm still hunting for an environmental storyline.

On the train, I saw a store out the window as we rode by; Planet Smoothie. That might be a nice name to pull in somehow.

[Marshall]

The aforementioned relationship could be a very interesting dualistic fit for the environmental theme. The perpetrator in the breakup is a big "out-doorsman." Could make for some interesting parallels. The point of view will have to be changed from the perpetrator's voice to the recipient of the mistreatment. But that's easy to do and would be consistent with the dualistic themes. Nothing is cast in concrete.

[Deleted]

i just have two minutes before i meet a friend. i'll fix it a bit later.

you say
we're through
i can't believe
it's true

We’ve been through all this so many times before
I know,
You’ll take me back once more

when first we joined
i knew for sure
that what we had
was real and pure
i worshipped you
you loved me back
but for all our love
we couldn't last

you say
we're through
i can't believe
it's true

We’ve been through all this so many times before
I know,
You’ll take me back once more

many years have passed
since those better times
i've been forgiven
all my crimes

[Marshall]

Ok. This is where this one has been going. I let it fester for a while. And then last Friday I got motivated to jump back on it, before the whole thing slipped away. I've been beating and bashing it on and off for a couple days.

Any rate it's not totally done. The closing stanza (and closing line in particular) need to pack more punch than they presently have. This is the concluding point, and it's got to have some resonance.

So here's what it is now:

You say, “I love you.”
I don’t trust you
You take from me and then come back for more
You say,
“Forgiveness is what love is for."

You say, “I respect you”
Your cheating ways, continue
Seems like we’ve been down this same path before
You say,
I’ll take you back once more.

(Bridge)
Each dawn I see in your eyes
The record of our story past
Each day you ignore the truth
Comes closer to being the last

I say, the clock’s ticking
You should, be listening
The climate is changing and you’ll wonder why
When someday
You find that the well’s gone dry

[Marshall]

I think I already changed the bridge to:

Each dawn I see in your eyes
The history of our sordid past
Each day you avoid the truth
Comes closer to being our last

And maybe the last line will be:

I take your world away.

[Cornflake]

"I think I already changed the bridge to:

Each dawn I see in your eyes
The history of our sordid past
Each day you avoid the truth
Comes closer to being our last

And maybe the last line will be:

I take your world away."

All good changes, methinks.

[Marshall]

The last verse is now:

I say, the clock’s ticking
Stop blabbering, start listening
The climate is changing and you’ll have to pay
When one day
I take your world away.

The ",and you'll have to pay" phrase could use some more vitality. I'll play with some aye sounds. I'm also not thrilled with blabbering. It's more emphatic than talking. But it doesn't roll off the tongue very well. The problem with the meter of the verses of this tune is that it requires short quick statements. It therefore needs juicy words that can convey meaning by themselves in 2 or 3 sylables. (Blabbering might do fine if i can get it out without tripping over it vocally)

The bridge seems a little trite and predictable. This is a big focus of the tune. A bridge is a place where the tune can explain itself. I've got to make a better statement than this does now.

[Marshall]

PS - I've changed When to If in the last verse. I think that leaves the outcome in question. It can give a sense of urgency to the situation without making the outcome a foregone conclusion. Probably even makes the pay word work better.

Amazing what a single word can do.

[Marshall]

On the bridge: I think it needs to convey a deep sense of hurt. It shouldn't be judgemental. That's consistant with the real life story that I'm paralleling for this environmental theme.

[Marshall]

OK. I think I solved the Bridge thing. Man, it takes a lot of churning for me to get through this type thing. I have a song-cirlce thing tonight, so I sorta wanted to have this one in the can, so to speak.

Don't have a title yet. Probably "World Away"

You say, “I love you.”
I don’t trust you
You take from me and then come back for more
You say,
“Forgiveness is what love is for

You say, “I respect you”
Your cheating ways, continue
We’ve been down this path so many times before
You say,
I’ll take you back once more.

(Bridge)
I gave you all that I am
Promised to be faithful and true
(I) Don’t ask for much in return
Why is this so hard for you?

I say, ”Clock’s ticking.
Stop complaining. Start listening.”
The climate is changing. It may be too late
If one day
I take your world away.

[Cornflake]

Marshall, I like the idea and the lines and just about everything. My only question is whether it's a little too subtle for 99 percent of the listeners out there. If it were mine, I think I'd have a line that very clearly reveals who (what) the narrator is. That doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. It's just that if I were listening and hadn't read your earlier explanations, it might well go right by me.

Either way it's a good song.

[Marshall]

I would explain the reference in the intro. Realistically, nobody is going to hear this song without me talking about it and performing it. (It ain't gonna be on the radio HA). And I wouldn't be too concerned if anyone interpreted it differently. In fact I'd be ecstatic if someone WOULD interpret it any old way they like.

I feel a little loose on this one. It's not as direct and revealing as it could be. I would hold that ideal up as the highest form of the songwriting/lyricwriting craft. I suppose I'm shooting a little lower with this one. It wasn't a burning topic for me. I picked up on the idea from an Eliza Gilkyson song intro at a house concert. (She plays one of her dad's songs "Gone are the Greenfields")

And it is about a real relationship, too that occurred in the family.

But mostly it was a nice musical chord/melody pattern.

[Marshall]

I've been burning this tune into my memory banks, where, by repetition, it gets forged into a cohesive presentation piece ( ).

I'm liking it pretty well right now. Each song goes through several cycles of euphoria to despair to boredom and indifference during the writing process. When it's finished it hopefully gets moved over into presentation mode, where I just repeatedly work on ironing out the cadences and emphasis's that make it performable. I become quite detached from the tune in a way. It becomes sort of automatic. But if I can get it through that stage, then I feel i can get up and perform it and be "in the moment." This is where (in the detached mechanical phase) that I find out if I really like the song.

[Marshall]

Okey Dokey here boys and girls. My first ever YouTube production. The new tune: World Away. . . , enjoy.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGyDe_SiLr8

[SteveO]

Mister H. Beautiful song.........BUT, OH!Yea there is that BUT ! The song needed only one thing, or is lacking one thing.
Hat! Ya need more Hat

Here's a (salute) to/for the next time we play guitar together