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Post by Cornflake on Jun 21, 2009 10:36:42 GMT -5
He's rugged as the Rockies He's gentle as the spring He plays guitar like lightning And lord he sure can sing His face is tanned and handsome He's nearly six-foot-three That man I planned to be
His jokes are always funny His smile makes women faint He has a kind of aura Some say he's a saint He never sags or ages He's got more hair than me That man I planned to be
He doesn't criticize me For he's a kindly sort He just sadly shakes his head At how I've fallen short
Phoenix couldn't hold him So he moved away He's dodging papparazzi In New York and LA That guy never met you So I'm glad I'm me Not the man I planned to be
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Post by Marshall on Jun 21, 2009 22:14:56 GMT -5
ha ha ha
I read the first 5 lines and thought, "He must be talking about me." ;D ;D ;D But I'm not 6'-3. . . . , and then I caught the drift.
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Post by Cornflake on Jun 21, 2009 23:44:19 GMT -5
Well, the song was about you to begin with, Marshall, but then I drifted off. ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png) Thanks for the comment.
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Post by Fingerplucked on Jun 22, 2009 16:52:10 GMT -5
I like it. I think I'd want to make a change in the chorus though:
He doesn't criticize me For he's a kindly sort He just sadly shakes his head At how I've fallen short
Rather than seeing you and kindly (and quietly) shaking his head, I'd want him to be someone who doesn't even know me. I am, after all, just a little people, and he's a great big star.
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Post by Cornflake on Jun 22, 2009 17:09:25 GMT -5
Thanks, Jim. That's the bridge but I take your point and I'll give it some thought.
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Post by Marshall on Jun 25, 2009 22:38:32 GMT -5
Here's a thought; Maybe do the opening lines less grammatical. Rugged as the Rockies Gentle as the spring Plays guitar like lightning Lord he sure can singTo me that seems more poetic; less like a legal brief. ![;)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png) Get the listener's attention. Lead him along. But make him engage his imagination to discover where you're going. Less is more; . . . , more or less.
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Post by Resolve on Jul 1, 2009 16:26:16 GMT -5
I like the song! Cool idea.
Marshall, I suspect whether to leave the word "He's" would depend a bit on the music to which the words are put...sometimes more words are needed for the musical phrasing.
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Post by Cornflake on Jul 2, 2009 11:51:09 GMT -5
Marshall, Jim, Cyndy, thanks very much for the comments and the advice. I changed the bridge and the final verse, but I still may need to tweak the end.
He's kind of like Achilles Except without the heel Like Superman but with some flair We have a lot in common We didn't care for Bush We both drink water and breathe air
Fate took pity on me And sent me through the door That led to what I needed Not what I hungered for That guy never met you That's why I'm glad and I'm me And not that man I planned to be
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Post by Fingerplucked on Jul 2, 2009 15:23:34 GMT -5
I like it a lot better. I'd stay away from the Bush line though. Years from now, nobody's going to care about Bush. I added a suggestion for the last two lines. Usually I wouldn't make a specific suggestion. Then again, I don't do this all that much, so there is no "usually."
He's kind of like Achilles Except without the heel Like Superman but with some flair We have a lot in common Except for cash and fame And the chicks of course but I don't care
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Post by Cornflake on Jul 2, 2009 15:53:00 GMT -5
Thanks for the comments, Plucked. "Years from now, nobody's going to care about Bush." Yeah, but years from now, nobody's going to care about my song, either. ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png) Actually, that's the line that I'm most inclined to replace. As for your proposed change to the bridge, I thought the humor of my lines lay in naming things we have in common and being able to come up only with things that almost everybody has in common.
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Post by Fingerplucked on Jul 2, 2009 18:44:32 GMT -5
Well, sure it is, when you say it like that.
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