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Post by t-bob on Apr 20, 2011 10:03:28 GMT -5
My son is on a downward cycle. Or at the very least, operating at a low level. He spends all his time on fantasy sports and PS3 games, and hanging out with friend who is not the best influence and may be stealing from us. (all you older babyboomers, think Eddie Haskell). He doesn't help at all around the house, is skipping classes (he's at a local community college after unsuccessful stint at a very good private college where he had a 90% scholarship), surly all the time, angry the rest of the time. He's 20, but is acting as if he's 13.
This morning skipped a baseball workout class that I take him to, so I got up at 6 ayem for nothing. He's never really reached his full potential as a baseball player. He's been told by almost every coach he's had that if he had his head in the game to go along with his talent, he could go to the top levels of baseball.
Can't kick him out, has no money, no job.
He's on meds for ADHD, but not taking any other steps to improve his condition.
I often think to myself, "Where's my son?" That sweet, friendly, warm guy who used to live with me?
And of course my soon to be ex-wife blames me for all his behavior issues.
Damn...
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Post by John B on Apr 20, 2011 11:07:11 GMT -5
I'm sorry to hear what's going on with your son, Bob. I wish I had some advice for your situation. I hope things get better soon, both for Graham and for you.
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Post by Marshall on Apr 20, 2011 11:21:36 GMT -5
Damn !
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Post by Doug on Apr 20, 2011 12:11:19 GMT -5
Not being in the loop I can't say for sure as every one has different situations. But to me it sounds like a tough love situation.  |
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Post by Cornflake on Apr 20, 2011 12:50:52 GMT -5
I don't know what to say, Bob, but often this kind of thing is temporary. Hope that's the case.
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Post by dickt on Apr 20, 2011 12:57:33 GMT -5
Try playing this for him
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Post by theevan on Apr 20, 2011 13:04:09 GMT -5
Doug, that may not be bad advice. I wish I could get Andrew to take it. No way, Jose.
t-bob, actually you can kick him out. Short of that, he apparently needs a reason to jump the track he's on, and nothing is presenting itself as a reason.
I let Andrew go homeless. A total cut-off other than feeding him when he stopped by.
It worked kinda sorta a little bit.
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Post by patrick on Apr 20, 2011 13:11:52 GMT -5
I'm no doctor (at least not the kind that does anyone any good), but have you had him checked out by someone skilled in emotional/mental issues? Sounds an awful lot like depression, if he's gone that far down that fast.
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Post by millring on Apr 20, 2011 13:21:25 GMT -5
Bob, maybe you had a tough adolescence, so I ask this gingerly, but what would your dad have done if you'd been similarly disengaged?
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Post by t-bob on Apr 20, 2011 13:26:53 GMT -5
Doug, that may not be bad advice. I wish I could get Andrew to take it. No way, Jose. t-bob, actually you can kick him out. Short of that, he apparently needs a reason to jump the track he's on, and nothing is presenting itself as a reason. I let Andrew go homeless. A total cut-off other than feeding him when he stopped by. It worked kinda sorta a little bit. Thanks everyone. There are things I'm not willing to do yet, although the time may come. Military, no. Don't want him dead. Kick him out, not yet. Don't think he needs that yet. Kinda sorta a little bit sounds like failure to me. No offense intended, Evan. I think I need to make him so uncomfortable that he changes on his own. Certainly the military or kicking him out would make him uncomfortable. I guess I'm still enabling a bit. |
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Post by omaha on Apr 20, 2011 13:49:53 GMT -5
One of those "no good answers" situations. Tough stuff.
Good luck to you and your son.
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Post by theevan on Apr 20, 2011 13:57:09 GMT -5
I'm no doctor (at least not the kind that does anyone any good), but have you had him checked out by someone skilled in emotional/mental issues? Sounds an awful lot like depression, if he's gone that far down that fast. Good advice before going any further. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 20, 2011 14:04:36 GMT -5
Bob - I really am not in much of a position to comment since I don't have children. I hate to ask this but could he possibly have some kind of substance abuse issue? Just a thought after reading your description of his behavior. Either way, I am very sorry that you are going through such a tough time right now. It can't be easy having issues like this and getting a divorce as well. I wish I could be more helpful but I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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Post by theevan on Apr 20, 2011 14:11:13 GMT -5
Oh, and no offense taken, Bob. It was a mixed bag of success & failure. But Andrew avers that the bits of success were solely due to the tough love measures. FWIW. Every person is unique and each situation differs.
I'm on your side, that's for sure.
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Post by t-bob on Apr 20, 2011 14:19:33 GMT -5
He's been to a couple of shrinks and a psychologists since he came home in November, supposedly just for Thanksgiving, but was the end of his Univ of Puget Sound days. He'd gotten to the point where he was failing multiple choice exams.He was living in house with 3 other drug addled students. He was spending $250/month on weed. When we went up to get all his stuff, the house looked to me like one step above a crack house, which I have seen firsthand unfortunately.
He's on 140mg (fairly high dosage) of Vyvance for his ADHD, but we've suspended his therapist visits because he's not interacting with the guy despite being very compatible with him.
Having battled addiction myself for over 15 years, and having a measure of success with it though the acceptance of help from AA and good friends, I can relate to all this negative behavior. I probably shouldn't expect instant success - I didn't have - very few people do. Tough love is the solution - I'm most likely trying to go with Tough Love Lite.
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Post by omaha on Apr 20, 2011 14:48:47 GMT -5
I used to have a recovering alcoholic working for me. One thing he would say (which may be common in the AA world, I don't know) is "We wish desperation on people." That stuck with me.
Parenthood is a tough thing. Sometimes I feel like we take our children, raise them to about age 13 or 14, and then they turn into unknowable beasts, only to re-emerge around age 24 or 25.
The good news is, no matter how hard we try otherwise, they will by and large turn out like we did. That's also the bad news.
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Post by t-bob on Apr 20, 2011 15:30:00 GMT -5
Omaha wrote, "The good news is, no matter how hard we try otherwise, they will by and large turn out like we did. That's also the bad news."
How true dat, Jeff! One of things I've found solice with despite current challenges is that one of my goals as a father was to do a better job of child raising than my parents did. And I have, not only by my own assessment, but by others who knew both my parents and me (and my departed - loony as batshit - sister).
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Post by Doug on Apr 20, 2011 15:42:34 GMT -5
Well I wish she hadn't departed. Seems she departed to FL to become my loony a batshit sister.
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Post by t-bob on Apr 20, 2011 15:59:07 GMT -5
Well I wish she hadn't departed. Seems she departed to FL to become my loony a batshit sister. No, Dougie. But maybe she did go to FL and steal a .45 from you. And then used it to distribute her brains all over an unlucky AA sponsor's study. |
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Post by Doug on Apr 20, 2011 16:05:41 GMT -5
Well I wish she hadn't departed. Seems she departed to FL to become my loony a batshit sister. No, Dougie. But maybe she did go to FL and steal a .45 from you. And then used it to distribute her brains all over an unlucky AA sponsor's study. Nope wrong loony batshit sister. My alcoholic (not recovering) Mensa loony batshit sister is still working in a bar. |
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