Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2017 9:25:05 GMT -5
Back in the U.S. two days and churned this one out. Had been wanting to write a song about this case for awhile. Kept it simple and protest-y. Even abroad, this case was big news.
Still may undergo some editing but I'm comfortable with it for the most part. Each verse worked out to 27 words. Go figure.
The Pain of Philandro Castile © 2017 by David Hanners A cop pulls over an honest working man Only crime being black behind the wheel I don’t understand how a cop gets away With killing Philandro Castile
He was driving down Larpenteur in Falcon Heights In a ‘97 Oldsmobile Cop said he matched a suspect in a crime Who looked nothing like Philandro Castile
Did everything the cop said to do Nothing he tried to conceal So there was no reason for that cop To put five rounds in Philandro Castile
Twelve jurors heard the case, 12 jurors let him walk The verdict still seems unreal Courtrooms and justice aren’t always the same Where’s justice for Philandro Castile?
You keep on telling me that all lives matter But when will white America feel The agony of all those wronged And the pain of Philandro Castile?
There’s a register of names we won’t forget Forged in fire like Damascus steel To Tamir, Eric, Freddie and a thousand more Add the name Philandro Castile
|
|
|
Post by Marshall on Sept 25, 2017 8:20:02 GMT -5
Powerful ! ! !
Once again, I see the 5th stanza as a bridge.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2017 8:38:51 GMT -5
Powerful ! ! ! Once again, I see the 5th stanza as a bridge. Thanks for the kind words. Castile was shot and killed just a mile of so from where I used to live. Drove down Larpenteur nearly every week. Since posting the song, I have retooled it. Also realize his name was Philan do, not Philan dro. (It appears both ways in stories online.) Now it has a chorus. Here is the new version: Driving down Larpenteur in Falcon Heights In a ‘97 Oldsmobile Tell me how a cop gets away With killing Philando Castile He did what the cop said to do Nothing he tried to conceal There was no cause for that cop To put five rounds in Philando Castile (Chorus) You keep telling me all lives matter But when will white America feel The agony of the wronged And the pain of Philando Castile? Twelve jurors heard the case, 12 jurors let him walk Verdict still seems unreal A courtroom and justice ain’t the same Where’s justice for Philando Castile? (Chorus) There’s a register of names we won’t forget Forged in fire like Damascus steel To Tamir, Eric, Freddie and a thousand more Add the name “Philando Castile"
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 26, 2017 7:17:36 GMT -5
Here is a video:
|
|
|
Post by Marshall on Sept 26, 2017 16:05:58 GMT -5
Well one thing comes immediately to mind; There's no melody. . . , 95% of the notes in the verses and even the chorus are the same. The chord pattern is rich and ernest. The rhythm drives along. The lyrics tell a compelling story. But there's no melody in the present version. I was hearing all sorts of possible rise and fall moments. But so far, you haven't gotten there. Though I suspect you will. right now it's mechanics and rhythm and story. A little melody and rise and fall would be nice. The tenses in the the first verse are a little off. "Driving down Larpentur" sounds like it's first person; like the singer is doing the driving. Then you shift to 3rd person story telling. That threw me off. A dramatic and compelling story. Keep up the good work.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2017 1:15:13 GMT -5
Come up with a better melody and I'm all ears....
The use of present tense in the first verse was intended to make the song's intro sound immediate and now. If I'd put it in the past tense, it would've started out like every other folk song and sea shanty. This is an event that took place in the past, but the issue still exists. I also avoided referring to who was driving down Larpenteur in the hope that the listener might put himself/herself in the driver's seat. If he or she envisions themselves driving down the street, the events that follow seem even more absurd and unjust.
The song reverts to the past tense in the second and third verses in order to tell the story. Then it returns to present tense for the last verse because, as I noted, the issue still exists.
|
|