Post by t-bob on Nov 21, 2020 21:45:31 GMT -5
I spent so many holidays alone when I was young. I became all too intimate with the seasonal pressure to be joyful and connected. That’s why I’m sensitive to those of you who may be feeling lonesome and isolated during this pandemic holiday season.
Growing up I immersed myself in the spirit and excitement of the holidays. When I was 13 my mother died and I moved to Nashville to live with my grandmother. Even with my mother gone I prepared for the holiday season with great anticipation. It would only be Granny and me, but that was enough. When Christmas finally arrived, we started the day with Gran’s whipped cream custard and presents. As the day progressed, however, she fell into grief for what she had lost: her only child and her husband. She got drunk and I spent the rest of Christmas alone in my room, feeling ashamed and devastated.
This pattern would repeat itself for years. My disappointment hid a deep grief and loneliness that I couldn’t yet face. I unconsciously longed for the warm promise of the holidays. This yearning only intensified my holiday loneliness as it extended well in to the grey, wet Tennessee months of January and February.
After struggling with loneliness and depression for many years, I started to open my heart to grief and see it as part of love, not a problem to escape. Meditation was an essential ingredient in this awakening. In my early years of practice I sat many sustaining Zen retreats with Trudy Goodman in New Mexico and came to trust her deep dharma. I also sat my first Metta retreat with her a few years later. Combined, the heart and wisdom practices of the dharma imbued my loneliness with a much needed quality of compassionate presence. This initiated a deep unwinding, giving me space to fully open to the grief as the walls of loneliness began to crack. I felt an infinite heart connection to all that is present, or as Zen Master Dogen put it, intimacy with all things. I also found a loving partner, new friendships and with my teacher’s blessing, created a dharma community, One Dharma Nashville. Slowly the holidays were far easier to bear.
This pandemic season, I’m grateful that our beloved dharma communities remain available to us online. Their power to sustain and connect us helps transcend the physical limitations that keep us apart. Even so, my heart still aches with that deep loneliness from time to time. Mostly I have room for it now; I can feel both connection and loneliness in the fullness of my heart. I also remember that many people will be lonely and grieving this year. If you’re one of them, may your heart find peace; may you know that you are not alone.
Growing up I immersed myself in the spirit and excitement of the holidays. When I was 13 my mother died and I moved to Nashville to live with my grandmother. Even with my mother gone I prepared for the holiday season with great anticipation. It would only be Granny and me, but that was enough. When Christmas finally arrived, we started the day with Gran’s whipped cream custard and presents. As the day progressed, however, she fell into grief for what she had lost: her only child and her husband. She got drunk and I spent the rest of Christmas alone in my room, feeling ashamed and devastated.
This pattern would repeat itself for years. My disappointment hid a deep grief and loneliness that I couldn’t yet face. I unconsciously longed for the warm promise of the holidays. This yearning only intensified my holiday loneliness as it extended well in to the grey, wet Tennessee months of January and February.
After struggling with loneliness and depression for many years, I started to open my heart to grief and see it as part of love, not a problem to escape. Meditation was an essential ingredient in this awakening. In my early years of practice I sat many sustaining Zen retreats with Trudy Goodman in New Mexico and came to trust her deep dharma. I also sat my first Metta retreat with her a few years later. Combined, the heart and wisdom practices of the dharma imbued my loneliness with a much needed quality of compassionate presence. This initiated a deep unwinding, giving me space to fully open to the grief as the walls of loneliness began to crack. I felt an infinite heart connection to all that is present, or as Zen Master Dogen put it, intimacy with all things. I also found a loving partner, new friendships and with my teacher’s blessing, created a dharma community, One Dharma Nashville. Slowly the holidays were far easier to bear.
This pandemic season, I’m grateful that our beloved dharma communities remain available to us online. Their power to sustain and connect us helps transcend the physical limitations that keep us apart. Even so, my heart still aches with that deep loneliness from time to time. Mostly I have room for it now; I can feel both connection and loneliness in the fullness of my heart. I also remember that many people will be lonely and grieving this year. If you’re one of them, may your heart find peace; may you know that you are not alone.
