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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2011 14:28:23 GMT -5
I said I would apologize to all offended, as in would, present tense. So give it a rest. I'm really tired of stuff like this. And I'll set my outrage meter anywhere I damn well want to.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2011 14:50:27 GMT -5
jesus, i come back for one day, and already i've upset someone. i'll just change the post.
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Post by Doug on Nov 18, 2011 14:59:31 GMT -5
jesus, i come back for one day, and already i've upset someone. i'll just change the post. It's ok Con you are an equal opportunity upseter. You didn't capitalize Jesus either. ;D
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2011 15:02:42 GMT -5
hehe. that i didn't. shame on me.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2011 15:04:12 GMT -5
A Muslim, a Christian and a Jew walk into a bar. What a cheering illustration of growing religious tolerance.
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Post by Supertramp78 on Nov 18, 2011 15:58:17 GMT -5
love it.
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Post by frazer on Nov 18, 2011 20:45:57 GMT -5
A guy walks into a bar. As takes his first sip of beer he hears a tiny voice saying "Hmmmm! Nice jacket!"
He looks around but can't see anyone, so he tells himself he's hearing things and goes back to his drink.
After a couple of minutes he hears the same, tiny voice saying "Hey! Nice haircut!"
Sure now that he did hear something he calls to the bar tender and asks "Hey, did you just say something to me? I'm sure I heard someone say I had a nice haircut."
"Ah!" says the bar tender, "That'll be the beer nuts. They're complementary."
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Post by frazer on Nov 18, 2011 20:51:03 GMT -5
From the great Bill bailey:
Three blokes go into a pub. Well, I say three; could be four or five. Could be nine or ten, doesn't matter. Could have been fifteen, twenty - fifty. Round it up. Hundred. Let's go mad, eh - two-fifty. Tell you what, double it up - five hundred. Thousand! Oh, I've gone mad! Two thousand! Five thousand! (adopting auctioneer persona) Anyone? Five thousand, six thou, six thousand, ten thousand! Small town in Hertfordshire goes into a pub! Fifteen thousand blokes! Alright, let's go - population of Rotterdam. The Hague. Whole of Northern Holland. Mainland U.K. Let's go all the way to the top - Europe, alright? Whole of Europe goes - I say Europe. Could be Eurasia. Not the band, obviously, that's just two of them. Alright, continents - North America! Plus South America! Plus Antartica - that's just eight blokes in a weather station. Not a good example. Alright, make it a lot simpler, all the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? And the first bloke goes up to the bar and he says "I'll get these in." What an idiot!
And:
Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
Not Bailey, but a favourite:
A woman walked into a pub and asked the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.
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Post by sidheguitarmichael on Nov 19, 2011 7:31:11 GMT -5
A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says "hey, we don't serve string here, get lost." Hurt and angry, the string goes outside, his growing embarrassment and hatred causing him to fold in upon himself, as he becomes small, twisted and spiky.
Unable to contain himself any longer, he rolls back into the bar and yells at the bartender, "I want a shot of jack, and I want it now, goddamit!" "Take it easy there, big fella", responds the barkeep, "one shot of Jack Daniels coming up... say... waitaminute... aren't you that piece of string that I kicked outta here a few minutes ago?"
"No sir, I'm afraid not..."
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Post by Fingerplucked on Nov 19, 2011 7:39:39 GMT -5
a Muslim, a christian and a jew walk into a bar.
the bartender says, "hey, what's up with the Muslim?"
"capitals?" asked the christian.
"i think he's right," said the jew.
"SHUT UP!" said the Muslim.
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Post by John B on Nov 19, 2011 9:44:50 GMT -5
A man walks into a bar. He required 7 stitches for the resulting injury.
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Post by Fingerplucked on Nov 19, 2011 10:04:28 GMT -5
John, your joke had me in stitches.
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Post by fatstrat on Nov 19, 2011 10:05:21 GMT -5
Sara Jessica Parker walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
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Post by Marshall on Nov 19, 2011 10:24:00 GMT -5
I like number 7
;D ;D ;D
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Post by millring on Nov 19, 2011 10:47:48 GMT -5
Those are just incomplete sentences. There are no intransitive verbs, only implied objects. They sit (on bar stools) They drink (Lite beer) They leave (dissatisfied)
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Post by Fingerplucked on Nov 19, 2011 11:03:28 GMT -5
Intravestite verb: He/she sat on the stool.
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Post by omaha on Nov 19, 2011 11:11:41 GMT -5
A: "Knock, knock" B: "Who's there" A: "Go fuck yourself"
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Post by Fingerplucked on Nov 19, 2011 11:14:08 GMT -5
A: "Knock, knock" B: "Who's there" A: "Go fuck yourself" He knocked on your door too? What's up with that guy?
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Post by omaha on Nov 19, 2011 11:18:51 GMT -5
an irishman walks into a bar. bartender says "hey, fuck off, you're barred. and also, you should use capitals." I liked that joke better the first time you told it.
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Post by omaha on Nov 19, 2011 11:25:51 GMT -5
Three Irishmen are sitting in a pub, watching the world go by outside.
They see the local Rabbi walk into the brothel across the street.
"Waaat a shame seein' a man av de cloth fallin' into sin!" the first one says.
After a bit, they see the local Lutheran minister enter the brothel.
"Ah its so sad seein' another man av de cloth fallin' into sin!" says the second.
After a bit, they see the local Priest enter into the brothel.
"Jaysus, mary an' joseph waaat a shame! wan av de girls must be deathly sick!" says the third.
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